Meditations on Life

3 Years

2011-07-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

The pain is gone.

I'm happy now. :)

Job Chapter 1

2011-02-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

I've decided to change my daily motivational reading to an analysis of each chapter of Job, one of the books of the Old Testament. The study of religion has always fascinated me, and I believe that Job represents one of the best teachings in the Bible. In short, the Book of Job tells us that no matter what happens to us, even if we lose everything, we should still remain humble and thankful that we are alive.

***

Job Chapter 1 introduces the character called Job. Job was righteous, in the sense that he was blameless and upright – he feared God and shunned evil. He was wealthy and powerful not only in terms of material wealth (many animals and servants), but was also blessed with many children. It would seem that his initially wealth and power was God’s reward for his righteousness.

Job was simple. This is shown by the fact that he sacrificed an animal for each of his children after they had feasted. He did so without knowing whether or not his children had sinned and cursed God in their hearts, even though feasting is not necessarily a sin. Even then, Job prays for his children.

In Job 1:6, the enemy appears. However, in the original version of this Book, the enemy is represented by the “sons of God” and the “adversary”. In the Christian Bible, we interpret this as the angels and Satan. However, in the original text, Satan is not stated directly and angels were not mentioned as well. Upon further research, it seems that the “sons of God” were the old gods of the Jews, who have been put under the control of the one, Yahweh. In Job 1:7, the “adversary”, was divine being who has been sent to the world to search out man’s sins and accuse them.

The “adversary” has come to report to God that man has been sinning. God told him that Job is one who does not sin. However, the “adversary” counter-argues that Job is only blameless because he is materially well-to-do, and asks God to take away everything Job has to see if he would still be pious to God. And so God did it, by taking everything away from – his herd, his home, his servants and his family.

Interesting note: God works through both natural disasters and man. He acts through fire, and through a mighty wind. He sent the Sabeans and Chaldeans to destroy his herd and servants. Interesting how God performs his acts through man so quickly. Is there really free will?

When he found out about this through a few messengers, he remained pious by cutting his hair and tearing his robe, and fell to the ground to worship. Through his wisdom, he knows that we come to the world naked, and we will depart naked. All material things are ephemeral and will be taken away, one way or another (refer to Ecclesiastes). Knowing this, he praises God and thus does not sin.

From this Chapter, we can tell that by not blaming God, but instead, praising God, we do not sin. Hence, we should give our life to God, and always praise him.

(73) Make Service an Integral Part of Your Life

2011-01-26T12:21:00.001-08:00

To become a kinder, more loving individual requires action. Yet, ironically, there is nothing specific you have to do, no prescription to follow. Rather, most genuine acts of kindness and generosity seem natural; they stem from a type of thinking where service and giving have been integrated into the person's thought process.

Several teachers and philosophers that I have learned from have suggested that I begin my day by asking myself the question, "How can I be of service?" I have found this to be useful in reminding me of the multitude of ways that I can be helpful to others. When I take the time to ask this question, I find answer popping up all day long.

If one of your goals is to be of help to others, you will find the most appropriate ways. Your chances to be of service are endless. Sometimes the best way I can be of service is to offer my home to a friend (or even a stranger) in need. Other times, it's to give my seat to an elderly person on the train, help a youngster across the monkey bars, speak to a group, write a book, help out in my daughter's school, write a check to a charity, or pick up litter on the road. The key, I believe, is to remember that being of service isn't a one-time effort. It's not doing something nice for someone and then wondering why others aren't being nice too, or doing things for us.

Instead, a life of service is a lifelong process, a way of thinking about life. Does the trash need to be taken out? If so, go ahead and take it out even if it's not your turn. Is someone you know being difficult? Maybe they need a hug or someone to listen to them. Are you aware of a charity that is in trouble? Could you possibly give a little extra this month?

I have learned that the best way to be of service is often very simple - it's those little, quiet, often unnoticed acts of kindness that I can choose on a daily basis - being supportive of a new endeavor by my spouse, or simply taking the time and energy to listen. I know I have a long way to go toward my goal of being a more selfless person. However, I also know that as I have attempted to integrate service into my life, I have felt better and better about the way I choose to live.

There is an ancient saying, "Giving is its own reward." It's really true. When you give, you also receive. In fact, what you receive is directly proportional to what you give. As you give more of yourself in your own unique ways, you will experience more feelings of peace that you ever thought possible. Everyone wins, especially you.

(72) Take Up Yoga

2011-01-25T10:10:00.001-08:00

Like meditation, yoga is an extremely popular and effective method for becoming a more relaxed, easygoing person. For centuries, yoga has been used to clear and free the mind, giving people feelings of ease and equanimity. It's easy to do and takes only a few minutes a day. What's more, people of virtually any age and fitness level can participate. I once took a class at the health club that included both a ten-year-old boy and an eighty-seven-year-old man. Yoga is noncompetitive in nature. You and progress at your own speed and comfort level.

Although yoga is physical in nature, its benefits are both physical and emotional. On the physical side, yoga strengthens the muscles and the spine, creating flexibility and ease of motion. On the emotional side, yoga is a tremendous stress reducer. It balances the body-mind-spirit connection, giving you a feeling of ease and peace.

Yoga is practiced by engaging in a series of stretches, both gentle and challenging. The stretches are designed to open the body and lengthen the spine. The stretches focus on very specific, usually tight and constricted places - the neck, back, hips, legs, and spine. While you are stretching, you are also concentrating, focusing your attention on what you are doing.

The effects of yoga are truly amazing. After only a few minutes, you feel more alive and open, peaceful and relaxed. Your mind is clear. The rest of your day is easier and more focused. I used to believe that I was too busy to practice yoga. I felt I didn't have the time. I'm now certain that the opposite is true - I don't have time not to practice yoga. It's too important not to do. It keeps me feeling young and energized. It's also a wonderful and peaceful way to spend time with family and/or friends. Rather than watching television together, my two daughters and I often flip on a yoga video and spend a few minutes stretching together.

Like meditation, it's easy to find a local class at the community center, the YMCA, or the health club. If you prefer to learn from a book, my favorite is Richard Hittleman's Yoga Twenty-Eight-Day Exercise Plan. There are also many videos you can learn from as well as a magazine dedicated solely to yoga called the Yoga Journal.

Withdraw

2011-01-22T23:25:00.001-08:00

I've been taking way too many emotional knockdowns lately, from multiple people. My energy levels are just being drained much too quickly. My compassion is waning, my patience found wanting.

I will now withdraw from the world again, until I recharge, and come back with renewed strength.

(71) Quiet the Mind

2011-01-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

Pascal said, "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." I'm not sure I would go quite this far, but I am certain that a quiet mind is the foundation of inner peace. And inner peace translates into outer peace.

Although there are many techniques for quieting the mind, such as reflection, deep breathing, contemplation, and visualization, the most universally accepted and most used technique is meditation. In as little as five to ten minutes a day, you can train your mind to be still and quiet. This stillness can be incorporated into your daily life, making you less reactive and irritable, and giving you greater perspective to see things as small stuff rather than emergencies. Meditation teaches you to be calm by giving you the experience of absolute relaxation. It teaches you to be at peace.

There are many different forms and variations of meditation. Essentially, however, meditation involves emptying your mind. Usually, meditation is done alone in a quiet environment. You close your eyes and focus your attention on your breath - in and out, in and out. As thoughts enter your mind, you gently let them go and bring your attention back to your breath. Do this over and over again. Over time, you'll train yourself to keep your attention on your breath as you gently dismiss any stray thoughts.

You'll quickly discover that meditation isn't easy. You will notice that your mind will fill with thoughts the moment you attempt to keep it still. It's rare for a beginner to be able to focus attention for more than a few seconds. The trick to become an effective meditator is to be gentle on yourself and be consistent. Don't be discouraged. A few minutes each day will reap tremendous benefits, over time. Or, if you prefer, you can learn from a book, or better yet, an audiotape. (It's hard to read with your eyes closed). My favorite resource is Larry Le Shan's How to Meditate, available in both book and audio format. I don't know many people I would consider to be at peace with themselves who haven't spent at least a little time experimenting with meditation.

(70) Remember that You Become What You Practice Most

2011-01-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

Repeated practice is one of the most basic principles of most spiritual and meditative paths. In other words, whatever you practice most is what you will become. If you are in the habit of being uptight whenever life isn't quite right, repeatedly reacting to criticism by defending yourself, insisting on being right, allowing your thinking to snowball in response to adversity, or acting like life is an emergency, then, unfortunately, your life will be a reflection of this type of practice. You will be frustrated because, in a sense, you have practiced being frustrated.

Likewise, however, you can choose to bring forth in yourself qualities of compassion, patience, kindness, humility, and peace - again, through what you practice. I guess it's safe to say that practice makes perfect. It makes sense, then, to be careful what you practice.

This isn't to suggest that you make your entire life into a great big project where the goal is to be constantly improving yourself. Only that it's immensely helpful to become conscious of your own habits, both internal and external. Where is your attention? How do you spend your time? Are you cultivating habits that are helpful to your stated goals? Is what you say you want your life to stand for consistent with what your life really stands for? Simply asking yourself these and other important questions, and answering them honestly, helps to determine which strategies will be most useful to you. Have you always said to yourself, "I'd like to spend more time by myself," or "I've always wanted to learn how to meditate," yet somehow you've never found the time? Sadly, many people spend more time washing their car or watching reruns of television shows they don't even enjoy than they do making time for aspects of life that nurture their hearts. If you remember that what you practice you will become, you may begin choosing different types of practice.

(69) Be Happy Where You Are

2011-01-17T05:32:00.000-08:00

Sadly, many of us continually postpone our happiness - indefinitely. It's not that we consciously set out to do so, but that we keep convincing ourselves, "Someday I'll be happy." We tell ourselves we'll be happy when our bills are paid, when we get out of school, get our first job, a promotion. We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough - we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. And on and on and on!

Meanwhile, life keeps moving forward. The truth is, there's not a better time to be happy than right now. If not now, then when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself, and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes come from Alfred D'Souza. He said, "For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." This perspective has helped me to see that there's no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

(68) Be Willing to Learn from Friends and Family

2011-01-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

One of the saddest observations I've made centers around how reluctant many of us are to learn from the people closest to us - our parents, spouses, children, and friends. Rather than being open to learning, we close ourselves off out of embarrassment, fear, stubbornness, or pride. It's almost as if we say to ourselves, "I have already learned all that I can [or want to learn] from this person; there is nothing else I can [or need to] learn."

It's sad, because often the people closest to us know us the best. They are sometimes able to see ways in which we are acting in a self-defeating manner and can offer very simple solutions. If we are too proud or stubborn to learn, we lose out on some wonderful, simple ways to improve our lives.

I have tried to remain open to the suggestions of my friends and family. In fact, I have gone so far as to ask certain members of my family and a few of my friends, "What are some of my blind-spots?" Not only does this make the person you are asking feel wanted and special, but you end up getting some terrific advice. It's such a simple shortcut for growth, yet almost no one uses it.

All it takes is a little courage, and humility, and the ability to let go of your ego. This is especially true if you are in the habit of ignoring suggestions, taking them as criticism, or tuning out certain members of your family. Imagine how shocked they will be when you ask them, sincerely, for their advice.

Pick something that you feel the person you are asking is qualified to answer. For example, I often ask my father for advice on business. Even if he happens to give me a bit of a lecture, it's well worth it. The advice he gives usually prevents me from having to learn something the hard way.

(67) Practice Ignoring Your Negative Thoughts

2011-01-06T14:24:00.001-08:00

It has been estimated that the average human being has around 50,000 thoughts per day. That's a lot of thoughts. Some of these thoughts are going to be positive and productive. Unfortunately, however, many of them are also going to be negative - angry, fearful, pessimistic, worrisome. In deed, the important question in terms of becoming more peaceful isn't whether or not you're going to have negative thoughts - you are - it's what you choose to do with the ones you have.

In a practical sense, you really have only two options when it comes to dealing with negative thoughts. You can analyze your thoughts - ponder, think through, study, think some more - or you can learn to ignore them - dismiss, pay less attention to, not take so seriously. This later option, learning to take your negative thoughts less seriously, is infinitely more effective in terms of learning to be more peaceful.

When you have a thought - any thought - that's all it is, a thought! It can't hurt you without your consent. For example, if you have a thought from your past, "I'm upset because my parents didn't do a very good job," you can get into it, as many do, which will create inner turmoil for you. You can give the thought significance in your mind, and you'll convince yourself that you should indeed be unhappy. Or, you can recognize that your mind is about to create a mental snowball, and you can choose to dismiss the thought. This doesn't mean your childhood wasn't difficult - it may very well have been - but in this present moment, you have a choice of which thoughts to pay attention to.

The same mental dynamic applies to thoughts of this morning, even five minutes ago. An argument that happened while you were walking out the door on your way to work is no longer an actual argument, it's a thought in your mind. This dynamic also applies to future oriented thoughts of this evening, next year, or ten years down the road. You'll find, in all cases, that if you ignore or dismiss a negative thought that fills your mind, a more peaceful feeling is only a moment away. And, in a more peaceful state of mind, your wisdom and common sense will tell you what to do. This strategy takes practice, but is well worth the effort.

(66) Think of What You Have Instead of What You Want

2011-01-05T10:19:00.000-08:00

In over a dozen years as a stress consultant, one of the most pervasive and destructive mental tendencies I've seen is that of focusing on what we want instead of what we have. It doesn't seem to make any difference how much we have; we just keep expanding our list of desires, which guarantees we will remain dissatisfied. The mind-set that says, "I'll be happy when this desire is fulfilled" is the same mind-set that will repeat itself once that desire is met.

A friend of ours closed escrow on his new home on Sunday. The very next we saw him he was talking about his next house that was going to be even bigger! He isn't alone. Most of us do the very same thing. We want this or that. If we don't get what we want we keep thinking about all that we don't have - and we remain dissatisfied. If we do get what we want, we simply re-create the same thinking in our new circumstances. So, despite getting what we want, we still remain unhappy. Happiness can't be found when we are yearning for new desires.

Luckily, there is a way to be happy. It involves changing the emphasis of our thinking from what we want to what we have. Rather than wishing your spouse were different, try thinking about her wonderful qualities. Instead of complaining about your salary, be grateful that you have a job. Rather than wishing you were able to take a vacation to Hawaii, think of how much fun you have had close to home.

The list of possibilities is endless! Each time you notice yourself falling into the "I wish life were different" trap, back off and start over. Take a breath and remember all that you have to be grateful for. When you focus not on what you want, but on what you have, you end up getting more of what you want anyway. If you focus on the good qualities of your spouse, she'll be more loving. If you are grateful for your job rather than complaining about it, you'll do a better job, be more productive, and probably end up getting a raise anyway. If you focus on ways to enjoy yourself around home rather than waiting to enjoy yourself in Hawaii, you'll end up having more fun. If you ever do get to Hawaii, you'll be in the habit of enjoying yourself. And, if by some chance you don't, you'll have a great life anyway.

Make a note to yourself to start thinking more about what you have than what you want. If you do, your life will start appearing much better than before. For perhaps the first time in your life, you'll know what it means to feel satisfied.

On Hiatus

2010-12-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

Sorry readers, won't be posting any daily inspirations temporarily, until after New Year's at least. I'm in New York now, and hehe, I forgot to bring the book with me. =P

Anyhow, I hope you guys will have a blessed Christmas and a meaningful New Year. Do write out your New Year's resolutions (and share them with me). Hopefully, the daily postings I have written will give you some inspiration of what you want to do next year. =)

Aight, Merry Christmas peeps!

(65) Be Flexible with Changes in Your Plan

2010-12-15T08:31:00.001-08:00

Once I get something in my mind (a plan), it can be tricky to let go of it and go with the flow. I was taught, and to some degree it's certainly true, that success, or successfully completing a project, requires perseverance. At the same time, however, inflexibility creates an enormous amount of inner stress and is often irritating and insensitive to other people.

I like to do the majority of my writing in the wee hours of the morning. I might have the goal, in this book for example, to complete one or two strategies before anyone else in the house wakes up. But what happens if my four-year-old wakes up early and walks upstairs to see me? My plans have certainly been altered, but how do I react? Or, I might have the goal to go out for a run before going to the office. What happens if I get an emergency call from my office and have to skip my run?

There are countless potential examples for all of us - times when our plans suddenly change, something we thought was going to take place doesn't, someone doesn't do what they said they would do, you make less money than you thought you would, someone changes your plan without your consent, you have less time than previously planned, something unexpected comes up - and on and on it goes. The question to ask yourself is, What's really important?

We use the excuse that it's natural to feel frustrated when our plans change. That depends, however, on what your priorities are. Is it more important to stick to some rigid writing schedule to be available to my four-year-old? Is missing a thirty-minute run worth getting upset over? The more general question is, "What's more important, getting what I want and keeping my plans, or learning to go with the flow?" Clearly, to become a more peaceful person, you must prioritize being flexible over rigidity most of the time (obviously there will be exceptions). I've also found it helpful to expect that a certain percentage of plans will change. If I make allowances in my mind for this inevitability, then when it happens, I can say, "Here is one of those inevitabilities."

You'll find that if you create the goal to become more flexible, some wonderful things will begin to happen. You'll feel more relaxed, yet you won't sacrifice any productivity. You may become even more productive, because you won't need to expend so much energy being upset and worried. I've learned to trust that I will keep my deadlines, achieve most of my goals, and honor my responsibilities despite the fact that I may have to alter my plans slightly (or even completely). Finally, the people around you will be more relaxed too. They won't feel like they have to walk around on eggshells if, by some chance, your plans have to change.

(64) Practice Being in the "Eye of the Storm"

2010-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

The eye of the storm is that one specific spot in the center of a twister, hurricane, or tornado that is calm, almost isolated from the frenzy of activity. Everything around the center is violent and turbulent, but the center remains peaceful. How nice it would be if we too could be calm and serene in the midst of chaos - in the eye of the storm.

Surprisingly enough, it's much easier than you might imagine to be in the eye of a "human storm." What it takes is intention and practice. Suppose, for example, that you are going to a family gathering that is going to be chaotic. You can tell yourself that you are going to use the experience as an opportunity to remain calm. You can commit to being the one person in the room who is going to be an example of peace. You can practice breathing. You can practice listening. You can let others be right and enjoy the glory. The point is, you can do it, if you set your mind to it.

By starting out with harmless scenarios like family gatherings, cocktail parties, and birthday parties for children, you can build a track record and enjoy some success. You'll notice that by being in the eye of the storm, you will be more present-moment oriented. You'll enjoy yourself more than ever before. Once you have mastered harmless circumstances like these, you can practice on more difficult areas of life - dealing with conflict, hardship, or grief. If you start slowly, have some success, and keep practicing, pretty soon you'll know how to live in the eye of the storm.

(63) Count to Ten

2010-12-13T07:51:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up my father used to count out loud to ten when he was angry with my sisters and me. It was a strategy he, and many other parents, used to cool down before deciding what to do next.

I've improved this strategy by incorporating the use of the breath. All you have to do is this: When you feel yourself getting angry, take a long, deep inhalation, and as you do, say the number one to yourself. Then, relax your entire body as you breathe out. Repeat the same process with number two, all the way through at least ten (if you're really angry, continue to twenty-five). What you are doing here is clearing your mind with a mini version of a meditation exercise. The combination of counting and breathing is so relaxing that it's almost impossible to remain angry once you are finished. The increased oxygen in your lungs and the time gap between the moment you became angry and the time you finished the exercise enables you to increase your perspective. It helps make "big stuff" look like "little stuff." The exercise is equally effective in working with stress, or frustration. Whenever you feel a little off, give it a try.

The truth is, this exercise is a wonderful way to spend a minute or two whether or not you're angry. I've incorporated this strategy into my daily life simply because it's relaxing and I enjoy it. Often, it helps me to keep from getting angry in the first place.

(62) Do One Thing at a Time

2010-12-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

The other day I was driving on the freeway and noticed a man who, while driving in the fast lane, was shaving, drinking a cup of coffee, and reading the newspaper! "Perfect," I thought to myself, as just that morning I was trying to think of an appropriate example to point out the craziness of our frenzied society.

How often do we try to do more than one thing at once? We have cordless phones that are supposed to make our lives easier, but in some respects, they make our lives more confusing. My wife and I were at our friend's home for dinner a while ago and noticed her talking on the phone while simultaneously answering the door, checking on dinner, and changing her daughter's diaper (after she washed her hands, of course)! Many of us have the same tendency when we're speaking to someone and our mind is somewhere else, or when we're doing three or four chores all at the same time.

When you do too many things at once, it's impossible to be present-moment oriented. Thus, you not only lose out on much of the potential enjoyment of what you are doing, but you also become far less focused and effective.

An interesting exercise is to block out periods of time where you commit to doing only one thing at a time. Whether you're washing dishes, talking on the phone, driving a car, playing with your child, talking to your spouse, or reading a magazine, try to focus only on that one thing. Be present in what you are doing. Concentrate. You'll notice two things beginning to happen.

First, you'll actually enjoy what you are doing, even something mundane like washing dishes, or cleaning out a closet. When you're focused, rather than distracted, it enables you to become absorbed and interested in your activity, whatever it might be.

Second, you'll be amazed at how quickly and efficiently you'll get things done. Since I've become more present-moment oriented, my skills have virtually increased in all aspects of my life - writing, reading, cleaning house, and speaking on the phone.

You can do the same thing. It all starts with your decision to do one thing at a time.

(61) Read Articles and Books with Entirely Different Points of View from Your Own and Try to Learn Something

2010-12-07T09:56:00.001-08:00

Have you ever noticed that practically everything you read justifies and reinforces your own opinions and views on life? The same is true with our radio and television listening and viewing choices as well. In fact, on America's most popular radio talk show, callers often identify themselves as "ditto heads", meaning "I already agree with everything you say. Tell me more." Liberals, conservatives - we're all the same. We form opinions and then spend our entire lifetimes validating what we believe to be true. This rigidity is sad, because there is so much we can learn from points of view that are different from our own. It's also sad because the stubbornness it takes to keep our heart and mind closed to everything other than our own point of view creates a great deal of inner stress. A closed mind is always fighting to keep everything else at arm's length.

We forget that we're all equally convinced that our way of looking at the world is the only correct way. We forget that two people who disagree with one another can often use the identical examples to prove their own point of view - and both sides can be articulate and convincing.

Knowing this, we can either buckle down and get even more stubborn - or we can lighten up and try to learn something new! For just a few minutes a day - whatever your slant on life - try making a gentle effort to read articles and/or books with different points of view. You don't need to change your core beliefs or your deepest held positions. All you're doing is expanding your mind and opening your heart to new ideas. This new openness will reduce the stress it takes to keep other points of view away. In addition to being very interesting, this practice helps you to see the innocence in others as well as helping you become more patient. You'll become a more relaxed, philosophic person, because you'll begin to sense the logic in other points of view. My wife and I subscribe to both the most conservative as well as the most liberal news letters in America. I'd say that both have broadened our perspective of life.

(60) Turn Your Melodrama into a Mellow-Drama

2010-12-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

In a certain respect, this strategy is just another way of saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Many people live as if life were a melodrama - "an extravagantly theatrical play in which action and plot predominate." Sound familiar? In dramatic fashion, we blow things out of proportion, and make a big deal out of little things. We forget that life isn't as bad as we're making it out to be. We also forget that when we're blowing things out of proportion, we are the ones doing the blowing.

I've found that simply reminding myself that life doesn't have to be a soap opera is a powerful method of calming down. When I get too worked up or start taking myself too seriously (which happens more than I like to admit), I say to myself something like, "Here I go again. My soap opera is starting." Almost always, this takes the edge of my seriousness and helps me laugh at myself. Often, this simple reminder enables me to change the channel to a more peaceful station. My melodrama is transformed into a "mellow-drama."

If you've ever watched a soap opera, you've seen how the characters will take little things so seriously as to ruin their lives over them - someone says something to offend them, looks at them wrong, or flirts with their spouse. Their response is usually, "Oh my gosh. How could this happen to me?" Then they exacerbate the problem by talking to others about "how awful it is." They turn life into an emergency - a melodrama.

The next time you feel stressed out, experiment with this strategy - remind yourself that life isn't an emergency and turn your melodrama into a mellow-drama.

(59) Adopt a Child Through the Mail

2010-12-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

While I don't want to turn this book into an advertisement for service agencies, I do have to say that my experience of adopting children through the mail has been extremely positive. No, you don't actually adopt a child, but you do get to help one out while, at the same time, getting to know them. The experience has brought tremendous joy and satisfaction to my entire family. My six-year-old daughter has an adoptee, and has enjoyed and learned from the experience a great deal. My daughter and her pal regularly write to each other, and draw pictures that we hang up. They enjoy hearing about each other's lives.

Each month you contribute a very small amount of money to the agency in charge of helping the children. The money is used to help the children and their parents with the necessities of life, which makes sending the children to school and caring for their needs a little easier.

I think the reason we enjoy this type of giving so much is that it's interactive. So often, when you give to a charity, you have no way of knowing who you are helping. In this instance, you not only get to know who, but you have the privilege of getting to know them as well. Also, the regularity of the ongoing relationship remind you how fortunate you are to be in a position to help. For me and for many people that I know, this type of giving brings forth feelings of gratitude. There are so many fine agencies to choose from, but my personal favorite is Children, Inc, out of Richmond, Virginia, (800) 538-5381.

(58) Relax

2010-11-28T06:42:00.001-08:00

What does it mean to relax? Despite hearing this term thousands of times during the course of our lives, very few people have deeply considered what it's really about.

When you ask people (which I have done many times) what it means to relax, most people will answer in a way that suggests that relaxing is something you plan to do later - you do it on vacation, in a hammock, when you retire, or when you get everything done. This implies, of course, that most other times (the other 95 percent of your life) should be spent nervous, agitated, rushed, and frenzied. Very few actually come out and say so, but this is the obvious implication. Could this explain why so many of us operate as if life is one great big emergency? Most of us postpone relaxation until our "in basket" is empty. Of course it never is.

It's useful to think of relaxation as a quality of heart that you can access on a regular basis rather than something reserved for some other time. You can relax now. It's helpful to remember that relaxed people can still be superachievers and, in fact, that relaxation and creativity go hand in hand. When I'm feeling uptight, for example, I don't even try to write. But when I feel relaxed, my writing flows quickly and easily.

Being more relaxed involves training yourself to respond differently to the dramas of life - turning your melodrama into a mellow-drama. It comes, in part, from reminding yourself over and over again (with loving-kindness and patience) that you have a choice in how you respond to life. You can learn to relate to your thinking as well as your circumstances in new ways. With practice, making these choices will translate into a more relaxed self.

(57) Become a Less Aggressive Driver

2010-11-26T07:43:00.001-08:00

Where do you get the most uptight? If you're like most people, driving in traffic is probably high on your list. To look at most major freeways these days, you'd think you were on a racetrack instead of a roadway.

There are three excellent reasons for becoming a less aggressive driver. First, when you are aggressive, you put yourself and everyone around you in extreme danger. Second, driving aggressively is extremely stressful. Your blood pressure goes up, your grip on the wheel tightens, your eyes are strained, and your thoughts are spinning out of control. Finally, you end up saving no time in getting to where you want to go.

Recently I was driving south from Oakland to San Jose. Traffic was heavy, but moving. I noticed an extremely aggressive and angry driver weaving in and out of the lanes, speeding up and slowing down. Clearly, he was in a hurry. For the most part I remained in the same lane for the entire forty-mile journey. I was listening to a new audiotape I had just purchased and day-dreaming along the way. I enjoyed the trip a great deal because driving gives me a chance to be alone. As I was exiting off the freeway, the aggressive driver came up behind me and raced on by. Without realizing it, I had actually arrived in San Joe ahead of him. All of his weaving, rapid acceleration, and putting families at risk had earned him nothing except perhaps some high blood pressure and a great deal of wear and tear on his vehicle. On average, he and I had driven at the same speed.

The same principle applies when you see drivers speeding past you so that they can beat you to the next stoplight. It simply doesn't pay to speed. This is especially true if you get a ticket and have to spend eight hours in traffic school. It will take you years of dangerous speeding to make up this time alone.

When you make the conscious decision to become a less aggressive driver, you begin using your time in the car to relax. Try to see your driving not only as a way of getting you somewhere, but as a chance to breathe and to reflect. Rather than tensing your muscles, see if you can relax them instead. I even have a few audiotapes that are specifically geared toward muscular relaxation. Sometimes I pop one in and listen. By the time I reach my destination I feel more relaxed than I did before getting into the car. During the course of your lifetime, you're probably going to spend a great deal of time driving. You can spend those moments being frustrated, or you can use them wisely. If you do the latter, you'll be a more relaxed person.

(56) Be Grateful When You're Feeling Good and Graceful When You're Feeling Bad

2010-11-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

The happiest person on earth isn't always happy. In fact, the happiest people all have their fair share of low moods, problems, disappointments, and heartache. Often the difference between a person who is happy and someone who is unhappy isn't how often they get low, or even how low they drop, but instead, it's what they do with their low moods. How do they relate to their unchanging feelings?

Most people have it backward. When they are feeling down, they roll up their sleeves and get to work. They take their low moods very seriously and try to figure out and analyze what's wrong. They try to force themselves out of their low state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solve it.

When you observe peaceful, relaxed people, you find that when they are feeling good, they are very grateful. They understand that both positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won't be feeling so good. To happy people, this is okay, it's the way of things. They accept the inevitability of passing feelings. So, when they are feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out, they relate to these feelings with the same openness and wisdom. Rather than fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too, shall pass. Rather than stumbling and fighting against their negative feelings, they are graceful in their acceptance of them. This allows them to come gently and gracefully out of negative feeling states into more positive states of mind.

One of the happiest people I know is someone who also gets quite low from time to time. The difference, it seems, is that he has become quite comfortable with his low moods. It's almost as though he doesn't really care because he knows that, in due time, he will be happy again. To him, it's no big deal.

The next time you're feeling bad, rather than fight it, try to relax. See if, instead of panicking, you can be graceful and calm. Know that if you don't fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away just as surely as the sun sets in the evening.

(55) Breathe Before You Speak

2010-11-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

This simple strategy has had remarkable results for virtually everyone I know who has tried it. The almost immediate results include increased patience, added perspective, and, as a side benefit, more gratitude and respect for others.

The strategy itself is remarkably simple. It involves nothing more than pausing - breathing - after the person to whom you are speaking is finished. At first, the time gap between your voices may seem like an eternity - but in reality, it amounts to only a fraction of a second of actual time. You will get used to the power and beauty of breathing, and you will come to appreciate it as well. It will bring you closer to, and earn you more respect from, virtually everyone you come into contact with. You'll find that being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasured gifts you can offer. All it takes is attention and practice.

If you observe the conversations around you, you'll notice that, often, what many of us do is simply wait for our chance to speak. We're not really listening to the other person, but simply waiting for an opportunity to express our own view. We often complete other people's sentences, or say things like, "Yeah, yeah," or, "I know," very rapidly, urging them to hurry up so that we can have our turn. It seems that talking to one another is sometimes more like sparring back and forth like fighters or Ping-Pong balls than it is enjoying or learning from the conversation.

This harried form of communication encourages us to criticize points of view, overreact, misinterpret meaning, impute false motives, and form opinions, all before our fellow communicator is even finished speaking. No wonder we are often so annoyed, bothered, and irritated with one another. Sometimes, with our poor listening skills, it's a miracle that we have any friends at all!

I spent most of my life waiting for my turn to speak. If you're at all like me, you'll be pleasantly amazed at the softer reactions and looks of surprise as you let others completely finish their thought before you begin yours. Often, you will be allowing someone to feel listened to for the very first time. You will feel a sense of relief coming from the person to whom you are speaking - and a much calmer, less rushed feeling between the two of you. No need to worry that you won't get your turn to speak - you will. In fact, it will be more rewarding to speak because the person you are speaking to will pick up on your respect and patience and will begin to do the same.

(54) Understand the Statement, "Wherever You Go, There You Are"

2010-11-18T21:58:00.001-08:00

This is the title of a super book by Jon Kabat-Zinn. As the title suggests, wherever you go, you take yourself with you! The significance of this statement is that it can teach you to stop constantly wishing you were somewhere else. We tend to believe that if we were somewhere else - on vacation, with another partner, in a different career, a different home, a different circumstance - somehow we would be happier and more content. We wouldn't!

The truth is, if you have destructive mental habits - if you get annoyed and bothered easily, if you feel angry and frustrated a great deal of the time, or if you're constantly wishing things were different, these identical tendencies will follow you, wherever you go. And the reverse is also true. If you are a generally happy person who rarely gets annoyed and bothered, then you can move from place to place, from person to person, with very little negative impact.

Someone once asked me, "What are the people like in California?" I asked him, "What are the people like in your home state?" He replied, "Selfish and greedy." I told him that he would probably find the people in California to be selfish and greedy.

Something wonderful begins to happen with the simple realization that life, like an automobile, is driven from the inside out, not the other way around. As you focus more on becoming more peaceful with where you are, rather than focusing on where you would rather be, you begin to find peace right now, in the present. Then, as you move around, try new things, and meet new people, you carry that sense of inner peace with you. It's absolutely true that "Wherever you go, there you are."

(53) See the Glass as Already Broken (and Everything Else Too)

2010-11-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

This is a Buddhist teaching that I learned over twenty years ago. It has provided me, again and again, with greatly needed perspective to guide me toward my goal of a more accepting self.

The essence of this teaching is that all of life is in a constant state of change. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end. Every tree begins with a seed and will eventually transform back into the earth. Every rock is formed and every rock will vanish. In our modern world, this means that every car, every machine, every piece of clothing is created and all will wear out and crumble; it's only a matter of when. Our bodies are born and they will die. A glass is created and will eventually break.

There is peace to be found in this teaching. When you expect something to break, you're not surprised or disappointed when it does. Instead of becoming immobilized when something is destroyed, you feel grateful for the time you have had.

The easiest place to start is with the simple things, a glass of water, for example. Pull out your favorite drinking glass. Take a moment to look at and appreciate its beauty and all it does for you. Now, imagine that same glass as already broken, shattered all over the floor. Try to maintain the perspective that, in time, everything disintegrates and returns to its initial form.

Obviously, no one wants their favorite drinking glass, or anything else, to be broken. This philosophy is not a prescription for becoming passive or apathetic, but for making peace with the way things are. When your drinking glass does break, this philosophy allows you to maintain your perspective. Rather than thinking, "Oh my God," you'll find yourself thinking, "Ah, there it goes." Play with this awareness and you'll find yourself not only keeping your cool but appreciating life as never before.

(52) Search for the Grain of Truth in Other Opinions

2010-11-17T06:26:00.001-08:00

If you enjoy learning as well as making other people happy, you'll love this idea.

Almost everyone feels that their own opinions are good ones, otherwise they wouldn't be sharing them with you. One of the destructive things that many of us do, however, is compare someone else's opinion to our own. And, when it doesn't fall in line with our belief, we either dismiss it or find fault with it. We feel smug, the other person feels diminished, and we learn nothing.

Almost every opinion has some merit, especially if we are looking for merit, rather than looking for errors. The next time someone offers you an opinion, rather than judge or criticize it, see if you can find a grain of truth in what the person is saying.

If you think about it, when you judge someone else or their opinion, it really doesn't say anything about the other person, but it says quite a bit on your need to be judgmental.

I still catch myself criticizing other points of view, but far less than I used to. All that changed was my intention to find the grain of truth in other positions. If you practice this simple strategy, some wonderful things will begin to happen: You'll begin to understand those you interact with, others will be drawn to your accepting and loving energy, your learning curve will be enhanced, and, perhaps most important, you'll feel much better about yourself.

(51) Just for Fun, Agree with Criticism Directed Toward You (Then Watch It Go Away)

2010-11-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

So often we are immobilized by the slightest criticism. We treat it like an emergency, and defend ourselves as if we were in a battle. In truth, however, criticism is nothing more than an observation by another person about us, our actions, or the way we think about something, that doesn't match the vision we have of ourselves. Big deal!

When we react to criticism with a knee-jerk, defensive response, it hurts. We feel attacked, and we have a need to defend or to offer a counter-criticism. We fill our minds with angry or hurtful thoughts directed at ourselves or at the person who is being critical. All this reaction takes an enormous amount of mental energy.

An incredibly useful exercise is to agree with criticism directed toward you. I'm not talking about turning into a doormat or ruining your self-esteem by believing all negativity that comes in your direction. I'm only suggesting that there are many times when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation, satisfies a person's need to express a point of view, offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position, and, perhaps the most important, provides you an opportunity to remain calm.

One of the first times I consciously agreed with criticism directed toward me was many years ago when my wife said to me, “Sometimes you talk too much.” I remember feeling momentarily hurt before deciding to agree. I responded by saying “You're right, I do talk too much sometimes.” I discovered something that changed my life. In agreeing with her, I was able to see that she had a good point. I often do talk too much! What's more, my non-defensive helped her to relax. A few minutes later she said, “You know, you're sure easy to talk to.” I doubt she would have said that had I become angry at her observation. I've since learned that reacting to criticism never makes the criticism go away. In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.

Give this strategy a try. I think you'll discover that agreeing with an occasional criticism has more value than it costs.

(50) Write Down Your Five Most Stubborn Positions and See if You Can Soften Them

2010-11-15T06:31:00.001-08:00

The first time I tried this strategy, I was so stubborn that I insisted I wasn't stubborn! Over time, as I have worked toward becoming a gentler person, I have found it far easier to see where I'm being stubborn.

Here are a few examples from my clients: "People who aren't stressed are lazy." "My way is the only way." "Men aren't good listeners." "Children are too much work." "People in business don't care about anything except money." You can see that the list itself is potentially endless. The point here isn't the specifics of what you are stubborn about but rather the fact that you hold on so tightly to any given idea you might have.

It doesn't make you weak to soften your positions. In fact, it makes you stronger. I have a male client who was adamant, to the point of being obnoxious about it, that his wife spent too much money. As he relaxed a little, and noticed his own rigidity, he discovered something that he's now a little embarrassed about, but laughs at. He found out that, in reality, he spent more discretionary money on himself than his wife spent on herself! His objectivity had become muddled by his own rigid belief.

As he has become wiser and gentler, his marriage has improved immensely. Rather than resenting his wife for something she wasn't even doing, he now appreciates her restraint. She, in turn, feels his new acceptance and appreciation and loves him more than ever.

(49) Resist the Urge to Criticize

2010-11-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

If you attend a gathering and listen to all the criticism that is typically levied against others, and then go home and consider how much good all that criticism actually does to make our world a better place, you'll probably come up with the same answer I do: Zero! It does no good. But that's not all. Being critical not only solves nothing; it contributes to the anger and distrust in our world. After all, none of us likes to be criticized. Our reaction to criticism is usually to become defensive and/or withdrawn. A person who feels attacked is likely to do one of two things: he will either retreat in fear or shame, or he will attach or lash out in anger. How many times have you criticized someone and had them respond by saying, "Thank you so much for pointing out my flaws. I really appreciate it"?

Criticism, like swearing, is actually nothing more than a bad habit. It's something that we get used to doing; we're familiar with how it feels. It keeps us busy and gives us something to talk about.

If, however, you take a moment to observe how you actually feel immediately after you criticize someone, you'll notice that you will feel a little deflated and ashamed, almost like you're the one who has been attacked. The reason this is true is that when we criticize, it's a statement to the world and to ourselves, "I have a need to be critical." This isn't something we are actually proud to admit.

The solution is to catch yourself in the act of being critical. Notice how often you do it and how bad it makes you feel. What I like to do is to turn it into a game. I still catch myself being critical, but as my need to criticize arises, I try to remember to say to myself, "There I go again." Hopefully, more often than not, I can turn my criticism into tolerance and respect.

(48) Remember that Everything Has God's Fingerprints on It

2010-11-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

Rabbi Harold Kushner reminds us that everything that God has created is potentially holy. Our task as humans is to find that holiness in what appear to be unholy situations. He suggests that when we can learn to do this, we will have learned to nurture our souls. It's easy to see God's beauty in a beautiful sunrise, a snow-capped mountain, the smile of a healthy child, or in ocean waves crashing on a sandy beach. But can we learn to find holiness in seemingly ugly circumstances - difficult life lessons, a family tragedy, or a struggle for life?

When our life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday things, something magical begins to happen. A feeling of peace emerges. We begin to see the nurturing aspects of daily living that were previously hidden to us. When we remember that everything has God's fingerprint on it, that alone makes it special. If we remember this spiritual fact while we are dealing with a difficult person or struggling to pay our bills, it broadens our perspective. It helps us to remember that God also created the person you are dealing with or that, despite your struggle to pay your bills, you are truly blessed to have all that you do.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, try to remember that everything has God's fingerprints on it. The fact that we can't see the beauty in something doesn't suggest that it's not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with a broad enough perspective to see it.

(47) Argue for Your Limitations, and They're Yours

2010-11-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

Many people spend a great deal of energy arguing for their own limitations. "I can't do that," "I can't help it, I've always been that way," "I'll never have a loving relationship," and thousands of other negative and self-defeating statements.

Our minds are powerful instruments. When we decide that something is true or beyond our reach, it's very difficult to pierce through this self-created hurdle. When we argue for our position, it's nearly impossible. Suppose, for example, you tell yourself, "I can't write." You'll look for examples to prove your position. You'll remember your poor essays in high school, or recall how awkward you felt the last time you sat down to write a letter. You'll fill your head with limitations that will frighten you from. In order to become a writer or anything else, the first step is to silence your greatest critic - you.

I had a client who told me, "I'll never have a good relationship. I always screw them up." Sure enough, she was right. Whenever she met someone, she would, without even knowing it, look for reasons for her new partner to leave her. If she were late for a date, she would tell him, "I'm always late." If they had a disagreement, she would say, "I'm always getting into arguments." Sooner or later, she would convince him that she wasn't worthy of his love. Then she would say to herself, "See, it happens every time. I'll never have a good relationship."

She had to learn to stop expecting things to go wrong. She needed to "catch herself" in the act of arguing for her own limitations. When she started to say, "I always do that," she needed to instead say, "That's ridiculous. I don't always do anything."She had to see that arguing for her limitations was just a negative habit that could easily be replaced with a more positive habit. Today, she's doing much better. When she reverts to her old habit, she usually laughs at herself.

I have learned that when I argue for my own limitations, very seldom do I disappoint myself. I suspect the same is true for you.

(46) Every Day, Tell At Least One Person Something You Like, Admire, or Appreciate about Them

2010-11-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

How often do you remember (or take the time) to tell other people how much you like, admire, or appreciate them? For many people, it's often not enough. In fact, when I ask people how often they receive heartfelt compliments from others, I hear answers like, "I can't remember the last time I received a compliment," "Hardly ever," and sadly, "I never receive them."

There are several reasons why we don't vocally let others know our positive feelings toward them. I've heard excuses like, "They don't need to hear me say that - they already know," and "I do admire her, but I'm too embarrassed to say anything." But when you ask the would-be recipient if he or she enjoys being given genuine compliments and positive feedback, the answer nine times out of ten is, "I love it." Whether your reason for not giving compliments on a regular basis is not knowing what to say, embarrassment, feeling that other people already know their strengths and don't need to be told, or simply not being in the habit of doing it, it's time for a change.

Telling someone something that you like, admire, or appreciate about them is a "random act of kindness." It takes almost no effort (once you get used to it), yet it pays enormous dividends. Many people spend their entire lifetimes wishing that other people would acknowledge them. They feel this especially about their parents, spouses, children, and friends. But even compliments from strangers feel good if they are genuine. Letting someone know how you feel about them also feels good to the person offering the compliment. It's a gesture of loving-kindness. It means that your thoughts are geared in a positive direction, your feelings are peaceful.

The other day I was in the grocery store and witnessed an incredible display of patience. The checkout clerk had just been chewed by an angry customer, clearly without good cause. Rather than being reactive, the clerk defused the anger by remaining calm. When it was my turn to pay for my groceries I said to her, "I'm so impressed at the way you handled that customer." She looked me right in the eye and said, "Thank you, sir. Do you know you are the first person ever to give me a compliment in this store?" It took less than two seconds to let her know, yet it was a highlight of her day, and of mine.

(45) Develop Your Own Helping Rituals

2010-11-11T22:34:00.001-08:00

If you want your life to stand for peace and kindness, it's helpful to do kind, peaceful things. One of my favorite ways to do this is by developing my own helping rituals. These little acts of kindness are opportunities to be of service and reminders of how good it feels to be kind and helpful.

We live in a rural area of the San Francisco Bay Area. Most of what we see is beauty and nature. One of the exceptions to the beauty is the litter that some people throw out of their windows as they are driving on rural roads. One of the few drawbacks to living out in the boondocks is that public services, such as litter collection, are less available than they are closer to the city.

A helping ritual that I practice regularly with my two children is picking up litter in our surrounding area. We've become so accustomed to doing this that my daughters will often say to me in animated voices, "There's some litter, Daddy, stop the car!" And if we have time, we will often pull over and pick it up. It may seem strange, but we actually enjoy it. We pick up litter in parks, sidewalks, practically anywhere. Once I even saw a complete stranger picking up litter close to where we live. He smiled at me and said, "I saw you doing it, and it seemed like a good idea."

Picking up litter is only one of an endless supply of possible helping rituals. You might like holding the door open for people, visiting lonely elderly people in nursing homes, or shoveling snow off someone else's driveway. Think of something that seems effortless yet helpful. It's fun, personally rewarding, and sets a good example. Everyone wins.

(44) Understand Separate Realities

2010-11-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

While we're on the subject of being interested in the way other people do things, let's take a moment to discuss separate realities.

If you have traveled to foreign countries or seen depictions of them in movies, you are aware of the vast differences among cultures. The principle of separate realities says that the differences among individuals is every bit as vast. Just as we wouldn't expect people of different cultures to see and do things as we would (in fact, we'd be disappointed if they did), this principle tells us that the individual differences in our ways of seeing the world prohibit this as well. It's not a matter of merely tolerating differences but of truly understanding and honoring the fact that it literally can't be any other way.

I have seen an understanding of this principle change lives. It can virtually eliminate quarrels. When we expect to see things differently, when we take it as a given that others will do things differently and react differently to the same stimuli, the compassion we have for ourselves and for others rises dramatically. The moment we expect otherwise, the potential for conflict exists.

I encourage you to explore deeply and respect the fact that we are all very different. When you do, the love you feel for others as well as the appreciation you have for your own uniqueness will increase.

Nearer My God to Thee

2010-11-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

1.Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

2.Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
yet in my dreams I'd be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

3.There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
all that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
angels to beckon me
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

4.Then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise,
out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
so by my woes to be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

5.Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky,
sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

(43) Become an Anthropologist

2010-11-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

Anthropology is a science dealing with man and his origins. In this strategy, however, I'll conveniently redefine anthropology as "being interested, without judgment, in the way other people choose to live and behave." This strategy is geared toward developing your compassion, as well as a way of becoming more patient. Beyond that, however, being interested in the way other people act is a way of replacing judgments with loving-kindness. When you are genuinely curious about the way someone reacts or the way they feel about something, it's unlikely that you will also be annoyed. In this way, becoming an anthropologist is a way of becoming less frustrated by the actions of others.

When someone acts in a way that seems strange to you, rather than reacting in your usual way, such as, "I can't believe they would do that," instead say something to yourself like, "I see, that must be the way she sees things in her world. Very interesting." In order for this strategy to help you, you have to be genuine. There's a fine line between being "interested" and being arrogant, as if secretly you believe that your way is better.

Recently I was at a local shopping mall with my six-year-old daughter. A group of punk rockers walked by with orange spiked hair and tattoos covering much of their bodies. My daughter immediately asked me, "Daddy, why are they dressed up like that? Are they in costumes?" Years ago I would have felt very judgmental and frustrated about these young people - as if their way was wrong and my more conservative way was right. I would have blurted out some judgmental explanation to my daughter and passed along to her my judgmental views. Pretending to be an anthropologist, however, has changed my perspective a great deal; it's made me softer. I said to my daughter, "I'm not really sure, but it's interesting how different we all are, isn't it?" She said, "Yeah, but I like my own hair." Rather than focusing on the behavior and continuing to give it energy, we both dropped it and continued to enjoy our time together.

When you are interested in other perspectives, it doesn't imply, even slightly, that you're advocating it. I certainly wouldn't choose a punk rock lifestyle or suggest it to anyone else. At the same time, however, it's not really my place to judge it either. One of the cardinal rules of joyful living is that judging others takes a great deal of energy, and, without exception, pulls you away from where you want to be.

(42) Spend a Moment, Every Day, Thinking of Someone to Love

2010-11-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Earlier in this book I introduced the idea of spending a moment, each day, thinking of someone to thank. Another excellent source of gratitude and inner peace is to spend a moment, every day, thinking of someone to love. Remember the old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?" The love equivalent might read, "Thinking of someone to love each day keeps your resentment away."

I started consciously choosing to think of people to love when I realized how often I could get caught up in thinking about the opposite - people who irritate me. My mind would focus on negative or strange behavior, and within seconds I was filled with negativity. Once I made the conscious decision, however, to spend a moment each morning thinking of someone to love, my attention was redirected towards the positive, not only toward that one person, but in general throughout the day. I don't mean to suggest that I don't get irritated anymore, but without question it happens much less frequently than it used to. I credit this exercise with much of my improvement.

Every morning when I wake up, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then I ask myself the question, "Who shall I send love to today?" Instantly, a picture of someone will pop into my mind - a family member, a friend, someone I work with, a neighbor, someone from my past, even a stranger I may have seen on the street. To me, it doesn't really matter who it is because the idea is to gear my mind toward love. Once the person to whom I'm directing the love is clear, I simply wish them a day filled with love. I might say to myself something like, "I hope you have a wonderful day filled with loving-kindness." When I finish, which is within seconds, I usually feel that my heart is ready to begin my day. In some mystical way that I can't explain, those few seconds stick with me for many hours. If you give this little exercise a try, I think that you'll find that your day is a little more peaceful.

(41) Avoid Weatherproofing

2010-11-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

The idea of weatherproofing as it pertains to peaceful living is a metaphor to explain one of our most neurotic, ungrateful tendencies. It comes from a friend of mine, Dr. George Pransky.

Just as we can weatherproof a home for the winter by looking for cracks, leaks, and imperfections, we can also weatherproof our relationships, even our lives, by doing the very same thing. Essentially, weatherproofing means that you are on the careful lookout for what needs to be fixed or repaired. It's finding the cracks and flaws of life, and either trying to fix them, or at least point them out to others. Not only does this tendency alienate you from other people, it makes you feel bad too. It encourages you to think what's wrong with everything and everyone - what you don't like. So, rather than appreciating our relationships and our lives, weatherproofing encourages us to end up thinking that life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Nothing is ever good enough the way it is.

In our relationships, weatherproofing typically plays itself out like this: You meet someone and all is well. You are attracted to his or her appearance, personality, intellect, sense of humor, or some combination of these traits. Initially, you not only approve of your differences with this person, you actually appreciate them. You might even be attracted to the person, in part because of how different you are. You have different opinions, preferences, tastes, and priorities.

After a while, however, you begin to notice little quirks about your new partner (or friend, teacher, whoever), that you feel could be improved upon. You bring it to their attention. You might say, "You know, you sure have a tendency to be late." Or, "I've noticed you don't read very much." The point is, you've begun what inevitably turns into a way of life - looking for and thinking about what you don't like about someone, or something that isn't quite right.

Obviously, an occasional comment, constructive criticism, or helpful guidance isn't the cause for alarm. I have to say, however, that in the course of working with hundreds of couples over the years, I've met very few people who didn't feel that they were weatherproofed at times by their partner. Occasionally harmless comments have an insidious tendency to become a way of looking at life.

When you are weatherproofing another human being, it says nothing about them - but it does define you as someone who needs to be critical.

Whether you have a tendency to weatherproof your relationships, certain aspects of your life, or both, what you need to do is write off weatherproofing as a bad idea. As the habit creeps into your thinking, catch yourself and seal your lips. The less often you weatherproof your partner or your friends, the more you'll notice how super your life really is.

(40) When in Doubt about Whose Turn It Is to Take Out the Trash, Go Ahead and Take It Out

2010-11-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

If we're not careful, it's easy to become resentful about all the responsibilities of daily living. Once, in a very low mood, I figured out that on an average day, I do over 1,000 different things. Of course, when I'm in a better mood, that number is significantly lower.

As I think about it, it's astounding to me how easy it is for me to remember all the chores that I do, as well as all the other responsibilities that I take care of. But, at the same time, it's easy for me to forget all the things that my wife does on a daily basis. How convenient!

It's really difficult to become a contented person if you're keeping score of all you do. Keeping track only discourages you by cluttering your mind with who's doing what, who's doing more, and so forth. If you want to know the truth about it, this is the epitome of "small stuff." It will bring you far more joy to your life to know that you have done your part and someone else in your family has one less thing to do, than it will to worry and fret over whose turn it is to take out the trash.

The strongest argument against this strategy is the concern that you'll be taken advantage of. This mistake is similar to believing it's important that you're right. Most of the time it's not important that you're right, and neither is it important if you take trash out a few more times than your spouse or housemate. Making things like garbage less relevant in your life will undoubtedly free up more time and energy for truly important things.

(39) Practice Humility

2010-11-04T22:32:00.002-07:00

Humility and inner peace go hand in hand. The less compelled you are to try to prove yourself to others, the easier it is to feel peaceful inside.

Proving yourself is a dangerous trap. It takes an enormous amount of energy to be continually pointing out your accomplishments, bragging, or trying to convince others of your worth as a human being. Bragging actually dilutes the positive feelings you receive from an accomplishment or something you are proud of. To make matters worse, the more you try to prove yourself, the more others will avoid you, talk behind your back about your insecure need to brag, and perhaps even resent you.

Ironically, however, the less you care about seeking approval, the more approval you seem to get. People are drawn to those with a quiet, inner confidence, people who don't need to make themselves look good, be "right" all the time, or steal the glory. Most people love a person who doesn't need to brag, a person who shares from his or her heart and not from his or her ego.

The way to develop genuine humility is to practice. It's nice because you will get immediate inner feedback in the way of calm, easy feelings. The next time you have an opportunity to brag, resist the temptation. I discussed this strategy with a client, and he shared the following story: He was with a group of friends a few days after he had been promoted at work. His friends didn't know it yet, but my client was chosen to be promoted instead of another friend of theirs. He was a little competitive with this person, and had the very strong temptation to sneak in the fact that he had been chosen and their other friend wasn't. He felt himself about ready to say something, when a little voice inside him said, "Stop! Don't do it!" He went ahead and shared with his friends, but didn't cross the line and turn the sharing into gloating. He never mentioned how their other friend didn't get promoted. He told me he couldn't remember ever feeling so calm and proud of himself. Later, when his friends did find out what had happened, they let him know that they were extremely impressed with his good judgment and humility. He received more positive feedback and attention from practicing humility - not less.

(38) Tell Three People (Today) How Much You Love Them

2010-11-04T08:15:00.001-07:00

Author Stephen Levine asks the question, "If you had an hour to live and could make only phone call - who would you call, what would you say, and why are you waiting?" What a powerful message!

Who knows what we are waiting for? Perhaps we want to believe we will live forever, or that "someday" we will get around to telling the people we love how much we love them. Whatever the reasons, most of us simply wait too long.

As fate would have it, I'm writing this strategy on my grandmother's birthday. Later today, my father and I are driving out to visit her grave site. She died about two years ago. Before she passed away, it became obvious how important it was to her to let her family know how much she loved us all. It was a good reminder that there is no good reason to wait. Now is the time to let people know how much you care.

Ideally, you can tell someone in person, or over the phone. I wonder how many people have been on the receiving end of a phone call where the caller says, "I just called to tell you how much I love you!" You may be surprised that almost nothing in the world means so much to a person. How would you like to receive the same message?

If you're too shy to make such a phone call, write a heartfelt letter instead. Either way, you may find that as you get used to it, letting people know how much you love them will become a regular part of your life. It probably won't shock you to know that, if it does, you'll probably begin receiving more love as a result.

(37) Choose Being Kind over Being Right

2010-11-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

As I first introduced in strategy number 12, you are given many opportunities to choose between being kind, and being right. You have chances to point out to someone their mistakes, things they could or should have done differently, ways they can improve. You have chances to "correct" people, privately as well as in front of others. What all these opportunities amount to are chances to make someone else feel bad, and yourself feel bad in the process.

Without getting too psychoanalytical about it, the reason we are tempted to put others down, correct them, or show them how we're right and they're wrong is that our ego mistakenly believes that if we point out how someone else is wrong, we must be right, and therefore we will feel better.

In actuality, however, if you pay attention to the way you feel after you put someone down, you'll notice that you feel worse than before the put-down. Your heart, the compassionate part of you, knows that it's impossible to feel better at the expense of someone else.

Luckily, the opposite is true - when your goal is to build people up, to make them feel better, to share in their joy, you too reap the rewards of their positive feelings. The next time you have the chance to correct someone, even if their facts are a little off, resist the temptation. Instead, ask yourself, "What do I really want out of this interaction?" Chances are, what you want is a peaceful interaction where all parties leave feeling good. Each time you resist "being right," and instead choose kindness, you'll notice a peaceful feeling within.

Recently my wife and I were discussing a business idea that had turned out really well. I was talking about "my" idea, clearly taking credit for our success! Kris, in her usual loving manner, allowed me to have the glory. Later that day, I remembered that the idea was actually her idea, not mine. Whoops! When I called her to apologize, it was obvious to me that she cared more for my joy than she did her own need to take credit. She said that she enjoys seeing me happy and that it doesn't matter whose idea it was. (Do you see why she's so easy to love?)

Don't confuse this strategy with being a wimp, or not standing up for what you believe in. I'm not suggesting that it's not okay for you to be right - only that if you insist on being right, there is often a price to pay - your inner peace. In order to be a person filled with equanimity, you must choose kindness over being right, most of the time. The best place to start is with the next person you speak to.

(36) See the Innocence

2010-11-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

For many people, one of the most frustrating aspects of life is not being able to understand other people's behavior. We see them as "guilty" instead of "innocent." It's tempting to focus on people's seemingly irrational behavior - their comments, actions, mean-spirited acts, selfish behavior - and get extremely frustrated. If we focus on behavior too much, it can seem like other people are making us miserable.

But as I once heard Wayne Dyer sarcastically suggest in a lecture, "Round up all the people who are making you miserable and bring them to me. I will treat them [as a counselor], and you'll get better!" Obviously, this is absurd. It's true that other people do weird things (who doesn't?), but we are the ones getting upset, so we are the ones who need to change. I'm not talking about accepting, ignoring, or advocating violence or any other deviant behavior. I'm merely talking about learning to be less bothered by the actions of people.

Seeing the innocence is a powerful tool for transformation that means when someone is acting in a way that we don't like, the best strategy for dealing with that person is to distance oneself from the behavior, to "look beyond it," so that we can see the innocence in where the behavior is coming from. Very often, this slight shift in our thinking immediately puts into a state of compassion.

Occasionally, I work with people who are pressuring me to hurry up. Often, their technique for getting me to hurry along is obnoxious, even insulting. If I focus on the words they use, the tone of their voices, and the urgency of their messages, I can get annoyed, even angry in my responses. I see them as "guilty." However, if I remember the urgency I feel when I'm in a hurry to do something, it allows me to see the innocence in their behavior. Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.

The next time (and hopefully from now on), when someone acts in a strange way, look for the innocence in his behavior. If you're compassionate, it won't be hard to see. When you see the innocence, the same things that have always frustrated you no longer do. And when you're not frustrated by the actions of others, it's a lot easier to stay focused on the beauty of life.

(35) Look Beyond Behavior

2010-11-02T06:54:00.001-07:00

I dedicate this post to John Yoon, an amazing mentor, and more importantly, an amazing friend. =)

***

Have you ever heard yourself, or someone else say: "Don't mind John, he didn't know what he was doing?" If so, you have been exposed to the wisdom of "looking beyond behavior." If you have children, you know very well the importance of this simple act of forgiveness. If we all base our love on our children's behavior, it would often be difficult to love them at all. If love were based purely on behavior, then perhaps none of us would ever have been loved as a teenager!

Wouldn't it be nice if we could try to extend this same loving-kindness toward everyone we meet? Wouldn't we live in a more loving world if, when someone acted in a way that we didn't approve of, we could see their actions in a similar light as our teenagers' offbeat behavior?

This doesn't mean that we walk around with our heads in the sand, pretending that everything is always wonderful, allow others to "walk all over us," or that we excuse or approve of negative behavior. Instead, it simply means having the perspective to give others the benefit of the doubt. Know that when the postal clerk is moving slowly, he is probably having a bad day, or perhaps all of his days are bad. When your spouse or close friend snaps at you, try to understand that, beneath this isolated act, your loved one really wants to love you, and to feel loved by you. Looking beyond behavior is easier than you might think. Try it today, and you'll see and feel some nice results.

(34) Practice Random Acts of Kindness

2010-10-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

There has been a bumper sticker that has been out for some time now. You can see it on cars all across the nation (in fact, I have one on my own car). It says, "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty." I have no idea who thought of this idea, but I've never seen a more important message on a car in front of me. Practicing random kindness is an effective way to get in touch with the joy of giving without expecting anything in return. It's best practiced without letting anyone know what you are doing.

There are five toll bridges in the San Francisco Bay Area. A while back, some people began paying the tolls of the cars immediately behind them. The drivers would drive to the toll window, and pull out their dollar bill, only to be informed, "Your toll has been paid by the car ahead of you." This is an example of a spontaneous, random gift, something given without expectation of or demand for anything in return. You can imagine the impact that tiny gift had on the driver of the car! Perhaps it encouraged him to be a nicer person that day. Often a single act of kindness sets a series of kind acts in motion.

There is no prescription for how to practice random kindness. It comes from the heart. Your gift might be to pick up litter in your neighborhood, make an anonymous contribution to a charity, send some cash in an unmarked envelope to make someone experiencing financial distress breathe a little easier, save an animal by bringing it to an animal rescue agency, or get a volunteer position feeding hungry people at a church or shelter. You may want to do all these things, and more. The point is, giving is fun and it doesn't have to be expensive.

Perhaps the greatest reason to practice random kindness is that it brings great contentment into your life. Each act of kindness rewards you with positive feelings and reminds you of the important aspects of life - service, kindness, and love. If we all do our own part, pretty soon we will live in a nicer world.

(33) Praise and Blame Are All the Same

2010-10-30T08:50:00.001-07:00

One of the most unavoidable life lessons is having to deal with the disapproval of others. Praise and blame are all the same is a fancy way of reminding yourself of the old cliche that you'll never be able to please all the people all the time. Even in a landslide election victory in which a candidate secures 55 percent of the vote, he or she is left with 45 percent of the population that wishes someone else were the winner. Pretty humbling, isn't it?

Our approval rating from family, friends, and the people we work with isn't likely to be much higher. The truth is, everyone has their own set of ideas with which to evaluate life, and our ideas don't always match those of other people. For some reason, however, most of us struggle against this inevitable fact. We get angry, hurt, or otherwise frustrated when people reject our ideas, tell us no, or give us some other form of disapproval.

The sooner we accept the inevitable dilemma of not being able to win the approval of everyone we meet, the easier our lives will become. When you expect to be dished out your share of disapproval, instead of struggling against this fact, you'll develop a helpful perspective to assist your life journey. Rather than feeling reject by disapproval, you can remind yourself, "Here it is again. That's okay." You can learn to be pleasantly surprised, even grateful when you receive the approval you're hoping for.

I find that there are many days when I experience both praise and blame. Someone will hire me to speak and someone else won't want to; one phone call delivers good news, another announces a new issue to deal with. One of my children is happy with my behavior, the other struggles against it. Someone says what a nice guy I am, someone else thinks I'm selfish because I don't return his phone call. The back and forth, good and bad, approval and disapproval, is a part of everyone's life. I'm the first to admit that I always prefer approval over disapproval. The more content I've become, however, the less I depend on approval for my sense of well-being.

Life Is a Test. It Is Only a Test

2010-10-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

This message was really timely. Yesterday I had the most incredibly 'bad' day. Almost every thing that happened did not work out in my favor. Yet, there were some golden moments. I was reminded that I have amazing friends and family members who are always there for me, and I'm ever so grateful for that. Truly, not everything works out the way you want it to. Yesterday was a good reminder. Life is truly a test. Only a test.

***

One of my favorite posters says, "Life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do." Whenever I think of this humorous bit of wisdom, it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

When you look at life and its many challenges as a test, or series of tests, you begin to see how each issue you face is an opportunity to grow, a chance to roll with the punches. Whether you're being bombarded with problems, responsibilities, even unsurmountable hurdles, when looked at as a test, you always have a chance to succeed, in the sense of rising above that which is challenging you. If, on the other hand, you see each new issue you face as a serious battle that must be won in order to survive, you're probably in for a very rocky journey. The only time you're likely to be happy is when everything else is working out just right. And we all know how often that happens.

As an experiment, see if you can apply this idea to something you are forced to deal with. Perhaps you have a difficult teenager or a demanding boss. See if you can redefine the issue you face from being a "problem" to being a test. Rather than struggling with your issue, see if there is something you can learn from it. Ask yourself, "Why is this issue in my life? What would it mean and what would be involved to rise above it? Could I possibly look at this issue any differently? Can I see it as a test of some kind?"

If you give this strategy a try you may be surprised at your changed response. For example, I used to struggle over a great deal over the issue of my perception of not having enough time. I would rush around trying to get everything done. I blamed my schedule, my family, my circumstances, and anything else I could think of for my plight. Then it dawned on me. If I wanted to be happy, my goal didn't necessarily have to be to organize my life perfectly so that I had more time, but rather to see whether I could get to the point where I felt it was okay that I couldn't get everything done that I felt I must. In other words, my real challenge was to see my struggle as a test. Seeing this issue as a test ultimately helped me to cope with one of my biggest frustrations. I still struggle now and then about my perceived lack of time, but less than I used to. It has become far more acceptable to me to accept things as they are.

(31) Become Aware of Your Moods and Don't Allow Yourself to Be Fooled by the Low Ones

2010-10-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Your own moods can be extremely deceptive. They can, and probably do, trick you into believing that your life is far worse than it actually is. When you're in a good mood, life looks great. You have perspective, common sense, and wisdom. In good moods, things don't feel so hard, problems seem less formidable and easier to solve. When you're in a good mood, relationships seem to flow and communication is easy. If you are criticized, you take it in stride.

On the contrary, when you're in a bad mood, life looks unbearably serious and difficult. You have very little perspective. You take things personally and often misinterpret those around you, as you impute malignant motives into their actions.

Here's the catch: People don't realize their moods are always on the run. They think instead that their lives have suddenly become worse in the past day, or even the last hour. So, someone who is in a good mood in the morning might love his wife, his job, and his car. He is probably optimistic about his future and feels grateful about his past. But by late afternoon, if his mood is bad, he claims he hates his job, thinks of his wife as a nuisance, thinks his car is a junker, and believes he's going nowhere in his career. If you ask him about his childhood while he's in a low mood, he'll probably tell you it was extremely difficult. He will probably blame his parents for his current plight.

Such quick and drastic concerns may seem absurd, even funny - but we're all like that. In low moods we lose our perspective and everything seems urgent. We completely forget that when we are in a good mood, everything seems so much better. We experience the identical circumstances - who we are married to, where we work, the car we drive, our potential, our childhood - entirely differently, depending on our mood! When we are low, rather than blaming our mood as would be appropriate, we instead tend to feel that our whole life is wrong. It's almost as if we actually believe that our lives have fallen apart in the past hour or two.

The truth is, life is almost never as bad as it seems when you're in a low mood. Rather than staying stuck in a bad temper, convinced you are seeing life realistically, you can learn to question your judgment. Remind yourself, "Of course I'm feeling defensive [or angry, frustrated, stressed, depressed]; I'm in a bad mood. I always feel negative when I'm low." When you're in an ill mood, learn to pass it off as simply that: an unavoidable human condition that will pass with time, if you leave it alone.

A low mood is not the time to analyze your life. To do so is emotional suicide. If you have a legitimate problem, it will still be there when your state of mind improves. The trick is to be grateful for our good moods and graceful in our low moods - not taking them too seriously. The next time you feel low, for whatever reason, remind yourself, "This too shall pass." It will.

(30) Choose Your Battles Wisely

2010-10-23T07:24:00.001-07:00

"Choose your battles wisely" is a common phrase in parenting but is equally important in living a contented life. It suggests that life is filled with opportunities to choose between making a big deal out of something or simply letting it go, realizing it doesn't really matter. If you choose your battles wisely, you'll be far more effective in winning those that are truly important.

Certainly there will be times when you will want or need to argue, confront, or even fight for something you believe in. Many people, however, argue, confront, and fight over practically everything, turning their lives into a series of battles over relatively "small stuff." There is so much frustration in living this type of life that you lose track of what is truly relevant.

The tiniest disagreement or glitch in your plans can be made into a big deal if your goal (conscious or unconscious) is to have everything work out in your favor. In my book, this is nothing more than a prescription for unhappiness and frustration.

The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don't act as we would like them to. Moment to moment, there are aspects of life that we like and other's that we don't. There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently, and things that don't work out. If you fight against this principle of life, you'll spend most of your life fighting battles.

A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone. If your primary goal isn't to have everything work out perfectly but instead to live a relatively stress-free life, you'll find that most battles pull you away from your most tranquil feelings. Is it really important that you prove to your spouse that you are right and she is wrong, or that you confront someone simply because it appears as though he or she has made a minor mistake? Does your preference of which restaurant or movie to go to matter enough to argue over it? Does a small scratch on your car really warrant a suit in a small claims court? Does the fact that your neighbor won't park his car on a different part of the street have to be discussed at your family dinner table? These and thousands of other small things are what many people spend their lives fighting about. Take a look at your own list. If it's like what mine used to be, you might want to reevaluate your priorities.

If you don't want to "sweat the small stuff," it's critical that you choose your battles wisely. If you do, there will come a day when you'll rarely feel the need to do battle at all.

(29) Become a Better Listener

2010-10-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

I grew up believing I was a good listener. And although I have become a better listener than I was ten years ago, I have to admit I'm still only an adequate listener.

Effective listening is more than simply avoiding the bad habit of interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences. It's being content to listen to the entire thought of someone rather than waiting impatiently for your chance to respond.

In some ways, the way we fail to listen is symbolic of the way we live. We often treat communication as if it were a race. It's almost like our goal is to have no time gaps between the conclusion of the sentence of the person we are speaking with and the beginning of our own. My wife and I were recently at a cafe having lunch, eavesdropping on the conversations around us. It seemed that no one was really listening to one another; instead they were taking turns not listening to one another. I asked my wife if I still did the same thing. With a smile on her face she said, "Only sometimes."

Slowing down your responses and becoming a better listener aids you in becoming a more peaceful person. It takes pressure away from you. If you think about it, you'll notice that it takes an enormous amount of energy and is very stressful to be sitting at the edge of your seat trying to guess what the person in front of you (or on the telephone) is going to say so that can fire back your response. But as you wait for the people you are communicating with to finish, as you simply listen more intently to what is being said, you'll feel that the pressure you feel is off. You'll immediately feel more relaxed, and so will the people you are talking to. They will feel safe in slowing down their own responses because they won't feel in competition with you for "airtime"! Not only will becoming a better listener make you a more patient person, it will also enhance the quality of your relationships. Everyone loves to talk to someone who truly listens to what they are saying.

(28) Seek First to Understand

2010-10-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is adopted from one of Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." Using this strategy is a shortcut to becoming a more content person (and you'll probably become more effective too).

Essentially, "seek first to understand" implies that you become more interested in understanding others and less in having other people understand you. It means mastering the idea that if you want quality, fulfilling communication that is nourishing to you and others, understanding others must come first. When you understand where people are coming from, what they are trying to say, what's important to them, and so forth, being understood flows naturally; it flows into place with virtually no effort. When you reverse this process, however (which is what most of us do most of the time), you are putting the cart before the horse. When you try to be understood before you understand, the effort you exert will be felt by you and the person or people you are trying to reach. Communication will break down, and you may end up with a battle of two egos.

I was working with a couple who had spent the first ten years of their marriage frustrated, arguing about their finances. He couldn't understand why she wanted to save every penny the earned, and she could not understand why he was such a spendthrift. Any rationale on either position had been lost in their joint frustration. While many problems are more complex than this couple's, their solutions were relatively simple. Neither person felt understood. They needed to learn to stop interrupting each other and to listen carefully. Rather than defending their own positions, each needed to seek first to understand. This is precisely what I got them to do. He learned that she was saving to avoid her parents' financial disasters. Essentially, she was frightened of being broke. She learned that he felt embarrassed that he wasn't able to "take care of her" as well as his father did his mother. Essentially, he wanted her to be proud of him. As each learned to understand the other, their frustration with each other was replaced by compassion. Today, they have a nice balance between spending and saving.

Seeking first to understand isn't about who's right or wrong; it is a philosophy of effective communication. When you practice this method you'll notice that the people you communicate with will feel listened to, heard, and understood. This will translate into better, more loving relationships.

(27) Imagine the People in Your Life as Tiny Infants and as One-Hundred-Year-Old Adults

2010-10-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

I learned this technique almost twenty years ago. It has proven to be extremely successful for releasing feelings of irritation toward other people.

Think of someone who truly irritates you, who makes you feel angry. Now, close your eyes and try to imagine this person as a tiny infant. See their tiny little features and their innocent little eyes. Know that babies can't help but make mistakes and each of us was, at one time, a little infant. Now, roll forward the clock one hundred years. See the same person as a very old person who is about to die. Look at their worn-out eyes and their soft smile, which suggests a bit of wisdom and the admission of mistakes made. Know that each one of us will be one hundred years old, alive or dead, before too many decades go by.

You can play with this technique and alter it many ways. It almost always provides the user with some needed perspective and compassion. If our goal is to become more peaceful and loving, we certainly don't want to harbor negativity toward others.

(26) Set Aside Quiet Time, Every Day

2010-10-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

As I begin to write this strategy it's exactly 4:30 in the morning, my favorite time of the day. I still have at least an hour and a half before my wife and children get out of bed and the phone begins to ring; at least one hour before anyone can ask me to do anything. It's absolutely silent outside and I'm in complete solitude. There is something rejuvenating and peaceful about being alone and having some time to reflect, work, or simply enjoy the quiet.

I've been working in the stress management field for well over a decade. In that time I've met some extraordinary people. I can't think of a single person whom I would consider to be inwardly peaceful who doesn't carve out at least a little quiet time, every day. Whether it's ten minutes of meditation or yoga, spending a little time in nature, or locking the bathroom door and taking a ten-minute bath, quiet time to yourself is a vital part of life. Like spending time alone, it helps to balance the noise and confusion that infiltrate much of our day. Personally, when I set aside quiet time for myself, it makes the rest of the day seem manageable. When I don't, I really notice the difference.

There's a little ritual that I do that I've shared with many friends. Like many people, I drive to and from my office on a daily basis. On my way home from work, as I get close to my driveway, I pull my car over and stop. There is a nice spot where I can spend a minute or two looking at the view or closing my eyes and breathing. It slows me down and helps me feel centered and grateful. I've shared this strategy with dozens of people who used to complain about "having no time for quiet." They would speed into their driveways with the radio blaring in their ears. Now, with a simple shift in their actions, they enter their homes feeling much more relaxed.

(25) Smile at Strangers, Look into Their Eyes, and Say Hello

2010-10-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed or thought about how little eye contact most of us have with strangers? Why? Are we afraid of them? What keeps us from opening our hearts to people we don't know?

I don't really know the answers to those questions, but I do know that there is virtually always a parallel between our attitude towards strangers and our overall level of happiness. In other words, it's unusual to find a person who walks around with with her head down, frowning and looking away from people, who is secretly a peaceful, joyful person.

I'm not suggesting it's better to be going outgoing than introverted, that you need to expend tons of energy trying to brighten others' days, or that you should pretend to be friendly. I am suggesting, however, that if you think of strangers as being a little more like you and treat them not only with kindness and respect but with smiles and eye contact as well, you'll probably notice some pretty nice changes in yourself. You'll begin to see that most people are just like you - most of them have families, people they love, troubles , concerns, likes, dislikes, fears and so forth. You'll also notice how nice and grateful people can be when you're the first one to reach out. When you see how similar we all are, you begin to see the innocence in all of us. In other words, even though we often mess up, most of us are doing the best how with the circumstances that surround us.

Along with seeing the innocence in people comes a profound feeling of inner peace.

(24) Spend a Moment Every Day Thinking of Someone to Thank

2010-10-18T06:12:00.001-07:00

This simple strategy, which may take only a few seconds to complete, has long been one of the most important habits I have ever engaged in. I try to remember to start my day thinking of someone to thank. To me, gratitude and inner peace go hand in hand. The more genuinely grateful I feel for the gift of my life, the more peaceful I feel. Gratitude, then, is worthy of a little practice.

If you're anything like me, you probably have many people in your life to feel gratitude for: friends, family members, people from your past, teachers, gurus, people from work, someone who gave you a break, as well as countless others. You may want to thank a higher power for the gift of life itself, or for the beauty of nature.

As you think of people to be grateful for, remember that it can be anyone - someone who allowed you to merge with traffic, someone who held the door open for you, or a physician who saved your life. The point is to gear your attention toward gratitude, preferably first thing in the morning.

I learned a long time ago that it's easy to allow my mind to slip into various forms of negativity. When I do, the first thing that leaves me is my sense of gratitude. I begin to take the people in my life for granted, and the love that I often feel is replaced with resentment and frustration. What this exercise reminds me to do is to focus on the good in my life. Invariably as I think of one person to feel gratitude for, the image of another person pops into my head, then another and another. Pretty soon, I'm thinking of other things to be grateful for - my health, my children, my home, my career, the readers of my books, my freedom, and on and on it goes.

It may seem like an awfully simple suggestion, but it really works! If you wake up in the morning with gratitude on your mind, it's pretty difficult, in fact almost impossible , to feel anything but peace.

(23) Experiment with Your Back Burner

2010-10-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

Your back burner is an excellent tool for remembering a fact or bringing forth an insight. It's an almost effortless yet effective way of using your mind. when you might otherwise start feeling stressed out. Using your back burner means allowing your mind to solve a problem while you are busy doing something else, here in the present moment.

The back burner of your mind works in the same way as the back burner of a stove. While on low heat, the cooking process mixes, blends, and simmers the ingredients into a tasty meal. The way you prepared this meal was to throw the various ingredients into the pot, mix them up, and leave them alone. Often, the less you interfere, the better the result.

In much the same way, we can solve many of life's problems (serious and otherwise) if we feed the back burner of my mind with a list of problems, facts, and variables, and possible solutions. Just as when we make soup or a sauce, the thoughts and ideas we feed the back burner of our mind must be left alone to simmer properly.

Whether you are struggling to solve a problem or can't remember a person's name, your back burner is always available to help you. It puts our quieter, softer, and sometimes most intelligent source of thinking to work on issues that we have no immediate answer for. The back burner is not a prescription for denial or procrastination. In other words, while you do want to put your problems on your back burner, you don't want to turn the burner off. Instead, you want to gently hold the problem in your mind without actively analyzing it. This simple technique will help you solve many problems and will greatly reduce the stress and effort in your life.

(22) Repeat to Yourself, "Life Isn't an Emergency"

2010-10-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

In some ways, this strategy epitomizes the central message of this book. Although some people believe otherwise, the truth is, life isn't an emergency.

I've had hundred of clients over the years who have all but neglected their families as well as their own dreams because of their propensity to believe that life is an emergency. They justify their neurotic behavior by believing that if they don't work eighty hours a week, they won't get everything done. Sometimes I remind them that when they die, their "in basket" won't be empty!

A client who is a homemaker and mother of three children recently said to me, "I just can't get the house cleaned up the way I like it before everyone leaves in the morning." She was so upset over her inability to be perfect that her doctor had prescribed her anti-anxiety medicine. She was acting (and feeling) like there was a gun pointed at her head and the sniper was demanding that every dish be put away and every towel folded - or else! Again, the silent assumption was, this is an emergency! The truth was, no one other than she had created the pressure she was experiencing.

I've never met anyone (myself included) who hasn't turned little things into great big emergencies. We take our own goals so seriously that we forget to have fun along the way, and we forget to cut ourselves some slack. We take simple preferences and turn them into conditions for our own happiness. Or, we beat ourselves up if we can't meet our self-created deadlines. The first step in becoming a more peaceful person is to have the humility to admit that, in most cases, you're creating your own emergencies. Life will usually go on if things don't go according to plan. It's helpful to keep reminding yourself and repeating the sentence, "Life isn't an emergency."

(21) Imagine Yourself at Your Own Funeral

2010-10-16T10:03:00.001-07:00

This strategy is a little scary for some people but universally effective at reminding us of what's most important in our lives.

When we look back on our lives, how many of us are going to be pleased at how uptight we are? Almost universally, when people look back on their lives while on their deathbed, they wish that their priorities had been quite different. With few exceptions, people wish they hadn't "sweat the small stuff" so much. Instead, they wish they had spent more time with the people and activities that they truly loved and less time worrying about aspects of life that, upon deeper examination, really don't matter all that much. Imagining yourself at your own funeral allows you to look back on your life while you still have the chance to make some important changes.

While it can be a little scary or painful, it's a good idea to consider your own death and, in the process, your life. Doing so will remind you of the kind of person you want to be and the priorities that are most important to you. If you're at all like me, you'll probably get a wake-up call that can be an excellent source of change.

(20) Once a Week, Write a Heartfelt Letter

2010-10-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

This is an exercise that has helped to change many lives, assisting people in becoming more peaceful and more loving. Taking a few minutes each week to write a heartfelt letter does many things for you. Picking up a pen or typing on a keyboard slows you down long enough to remember the beautiful people in your life. The act of sitting down to write helps to fill your life with gratitude.

Once you decide to try this, you'll probably be amazed at how many people appear on your list. I had one client who said, "I probably don't have enough weeks left in my life to write everyone on my list." This may or may not be true for you, but chances are, there are a number of people in your life, or from your past, who are quite deserving of a friendly, heartfelt letter. Even if you don't have people in your life to whom you feel you can write, go ahead an write the letter to someone you don't know instead - perhaps to an author who may not even be living, whose works you admire. Or to a great inventor or thinker from the past or present. Part of the value of the letter is to gear your thinking toward gratitude. Writing the letter, even if it isn't sent, would do just that.

The purpose of your letter is very simple: to express love and gratitude. Don't worry if you're awkward at writing letters. This isn't a contest from the head but a gift from the heart. If you can't think of much to say, start with short little notes like, "Dear Jasmine. I woke up this morning thinking of how lucky I am to have a friend like you in my life. Thank you so much for being my friend. I am truly blessed, and I wish for you all the happiness and joy that life can bring. Love, Richard."

Not only does writing and sending a note like this focus your attention on what's right in your life, but the person receiving it, in all likelihood, be extremely touched and grateful. Often, this simple action starts a spiral of loving actions whereby the person receiving your letter may decide to do the same thing to someone else, or perhaps will act and feel more loving toward others. Write your first letter this week. I'll bet you'll be glad you did.

(19) Lower Your Tolerance to Stress

2010-10-15T05:24:00.001-07:00

It seems that we have it backward in our society. We tend to look up to people who are under a great deal of stress, who can handle loads of stress, and those who are under a great deal of pressure. When someone says, "I've been working really hard," or "I'm really stressed out," we are taught to admire, even emulate their behavior. In my work as a stress consultant, I hear the proud words, "I have a very high tolerance to stress" almost every day. It probably won't come as a surprise that when these stressed-out people first arrive at my office, more often than not, what they are hoping for are strategies to raise their tolerance to stress even higher so they can handle even more!

Fortunately, there is an inviolable law in our emotional environment that goes something like this: Our current level of stress will be exactly that of our tolerance to stress. You'll notice that the people who say, "I can handle lots of stress" will always be under a great deal of it! So, if you teach people to raise their tolerance to stress, that's exactly what will happen. They will accept even more confusion and responsibility until again, their external level of stress matches that of their tolerance. Usually it takes a crisis of some kind to wake up a stressed-out person to their own craziness - a spouse leaves, a health issue emerges, a serious addiction takes over their life - something happens that jolts them into a search for a new kind of strategy.

It may seem strange, but if you were to enroll in the average stress management workshop, what you would probably learn is to raise your tolerance to stress. It seems that even stress consultants are stressed out!

What you want to start doing is noticing your stress early, before it gets out of hand. When you feel your mind moving too quickly, it's time to back off and regain your bearings. When your schedule is getting out of hand, it's a signal that it's time to slow down and reevaluate what's important rather than power through everything on the list. When you're feeling out of control and resentful of all you have to do, rather than roll up your sleeves and "get to it", a better strategy is to relax, take a few deep breaths, and go for a short walk. You'll find that when you catch yourself getting too stressed out - early, before it gets out of control - your stress will be like the proverbial snowball rolling down the hill. When it's small, it's manageable and easy to control. Once it gathers momentum, however, it's difficult, if not impossible, to stop.

There's no need to worry that you won't get it all done. When your mind is clear and peaceful and your stress level is reduced, you'll be more effective and you'll have more fun. As you lower your tolerance to stress, you'll find that you have far less stress to handle, as well as creative ideas for handling the stress that's left over.

(18) Allow Yourself to Be Bored

2010-10-14T23:41:00.001-07:00

For many of us, our lives are so filled with stimuli, not to mention responsibilities, that it's almost impossible for us to sit still and do nothing, much less relax - even for a few minutes. A friend of mine said to me, "People are no longer human beings. We should be called human doings."

I was first exposed to the idea that occasional boredom can actually be good for me while studying with a therapist in La Conner, Washington, a tiny little town with very little "to do." After finishing our first day together, I asked my instructor, "What is there to do around here at night?" He responded by saying, "What I'd like you to do is allow yourself to be bored. Do nothing. This is part of your training." At first I thought he was kidding! "Why on earth would I choose to be bored?" I asked. He went on to explain that if you allow yourself to be bored, even for an hour - or less - and don't fight it, the feelings of boredom will be replaced with feelings of peace. And after a little practice, you'll learn to relax.

Much to my surprise, he was absolutely right. At first, I could barely stand it. I was so used to doing something every second that I really struggled to relax. But after a while I got used to it, and have long since learned to enjoy it. I'm not talking about hours of idle time or laziness, but simply learning the art of relaxing, of just "being," rather than "doing," for a few minutes each day. There isn't a specific technique other than to consciously do nothing. Just sit still, perhaps look out the window and notice your thoughts and feelings. At first you may get a little anxious, but each day it will get a little easier. The payback is tremendous.

Much of our anxiety and inner struggle stems from our busy, overactive minds always needing something to entertain them, something to focus on, and always wondering "What's next?" While we're eating dinner, we're wondering what's for dessert. While eating dessert, we ponder what we should do afterward. After that evening, it's " What should we do this weekend?" After we've been out, we walk into the house and immediately turn on the television, pick up the phone, open a book, or start cleaning. It's almost as though we're frightened at the thought of not having something to do, even for a minute.

The beauty of doing nothing is that it teaches you to clear your mind and relax. It allows your mind the freedom to "not know," for a brief period of time. Just like your body, your mind needs an occasional break from its hectic routine. When you allow your mind to take a break, it comes back stronger, sharper, more focused and creative.

When you allow yourself to be bored, it takes an enormous amount of pressure off you to be performing and doing something every second of every day. Now, when either of my two children says to me, "Daddy, I'm bored," I respond by saying, "Great! Be bored for a while. It's good for you." Once I say this, they always give up on the idea of me solving their problem. You probably never thought someone would actually suggest that you allow yourself to be bored. I guess there's a first for everything!

(17) Surrender to the Fact that Life Isn't Fair

2010-10-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, in response to a conversation we were having about the injustices of life, asked me the question, "Who said life was going to be fair, or that it was even meant to be fair?" Her question was a good one. It reminded me of something I was taught as a youngster: Life isn't fair. It's a bummer, but it's absolutely true. Ironically, recognizing this sobering fact can be a very liberating insight.

One of the mistakes many of us make is that we feel sorry for ourselves, or for others, thinking that life should be fair, or that someday it will be. It's not and it won't. When we make this mistake we tend to spend a lot of time wallowing and/or complaining about what's wrong with life. We commiserate with others, discussing the injustices of life. "It's not fair," we complain, not realizing that, perhaps, it was never intended to be.

One of the nice things about surrendering to the fact that life isn't fair is that it keeps us from feeling sorry for ourselves by encouraging us to do the very best we can with what we have. We know it's not "life's job" to make everything perfect, it's our own challenge. Surrendering to this fact also keeps us from feeling sorry for others because we are reminded that everyone is dealt a different hand, and everyone has unique strengths and challenges. This insight has helped me to deal with the problems of raising two children, the difficult decisions I've had to make about who to help and who I can't help, as well as with my own personal struggles during those times that I have felt victimized or unfairly treated. It almost always wakes me up to reality and puts me back on track.

The fact that life isn't fair doesn't mean we shouldn't do everything in our power to improve our own lives or the world as a whole. To the contrary, it suggests that we should. When we don't recognize or admit that life isn't fair, we tend to feel pity for others and for ourselves. Pity, of course, is a self-defeating emotion that does nothing for anyone, except to make everyone feel worse than they already do. When we do recognize that life isn't fair, however, we feel compassion for others and for ourselves. And compassion is a heartfelt emotion that delivers loving-kindness to everyone it touches. The next time you find yourself thinking about the injustices of the world, try reminding yourself of this very basic fact. You may be surprised that it can nudge you out of self-pity and into helpful action.

(16) Ask Yourself the Question, "Will This Matter a Year From Now?"

2010-10-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Almost every day I play a game with myself that I call "time warp." I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important.

To play "time warp," all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance that you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, "Is this situation really important as I'm making it out to be?" Once in a great while it may be - but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't.

Whether it be an argument with your spouse, child, or boss, a mistake, a lost opportunity, a lost wallet, a work-related rejection, or a sprained ankle, chances are, a year from now you aren't going to care. It will be one more irrelevant detail in your life. While this simple game won't solve all your problems, it can give you an enormous amount of needed perspective. I find myself laughing at things that I used to take far too seriously. Now, rather than using up my energy feeling angry and overwhelmed, I can use it instead on spending time with my wife and children or engaging in creative thinking.

(15) Be the First One to Act Loving or Reach Out

2010-10-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

So many of us hold on to little resentments that may have stemmed from an argument, a misunderstanding, the way we were raised, or some other painful event. Stubbornly, we wait for someone else to reach out to us - believing this is the only way we can forgive or rekindle a friendship or family relationship.

An acquaintance of mine, whose health isn't very good, recently told me that she hasn't spoke to her son in almost three years. "Why not?" I asked. She said that she and her son had had a disagreement about his wife and that she wouldn't speak to him again unless he called first. When I suggested that she be the one to reach out, she resisted initially and said, "I can't do that. He's the one who should apologize."She was literally willing to die before reaching out to her only son. After a little gentle encouragement, however, she did decide to be the first one to reach out. To her amazement, her son was grateful for her willingness to call and offered an apology of his own. As is usually the case when someone takes the chance and reaches out, everyone wins.

Whenever we hold on to our anger, we turn "small stuff" into really "big stuff" in our minds. We start to believe that our positions are more important than our happiness. They are not. If you want to be a more peaceful person you must understand that being right is almost never more important than allowing yourself to be happy. The way to be happy is to let go, and reach out. Let other people be right. This doesn't mean that you're wrong. Everything will be fine. You'll experience the peace of letting go, as well as the joy of letting others be right. You'll also notice that, as you reach out and let others be "right", they will become less defensive and more loving toward you. They might even reach back. But, if for some reason they don't, that's okay too. You'll have the inner satisfaction of knowing that you have done your part to create a more loving world, and certainly you'll be more peaceful yourself.

(14) Create "Patience Practice Periods"

2010-10-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

Patience is a quality of heart that can be greatly enhanced with deliberate practice. An effective way that I have found to deepen my own practice is to create actual practice periods - periods of time that I set up in my mind to practice the art of patience. Life itself becomes a classroom, and the curriculum is patience.

You can start with as little as five minutes and build up your capacity for patience, over time. Start by saying to yourself, "Okay, for the next 5 minutes, I won't allow myself to be bothered by anything. I'll be patient." What you'll discover is truly amazing. Your intention to be patient, especially if you know it's only for a short while, immediately strengthens your capacity for patience. Patience is one of those special qualities where success feeds on itself. Once you reach little milestones - five minutes of successful patience - you'll begin to see that you do, indeed, have the capacity to be patient, even for longer periods of time. Over time, you may even become a patient person.

Since I have young children at home, I have many possibilities to practice the art of patience. For example, on a day when both girls are firing questions at me as I'm trying to make important phone calls, I'll say to myself, "Now is a great time to be patient. For the next half hour I'm going to be as patient as possible (see, I've worked hard, I'm up to thirty minutes)!"

All kidding aside, it really works - and it has worked in our family. As I keep my cool and don't allow myself to be annoyed and upset, I can calmly, yet firmly, direct my children's behavior far more effectively than when I get crazy. The simple act of gearing my mind toward patience allows me to remain in the present moment far more than I would if I were upset, thinking about all the times this has happened before and feeling like a martyr. What's more, my patient feelings are often contagious - they rub off on the kids, who then decide, on their own, that it's no fun to bother Dad.

Being patient allows me to keep my perspective. I can remember, even in the midst of a difficult situation, that what's before me - my present challenge - isn't "life or death" but simply a minor obstacle that must be dealt with. Without patience, the same scenario can become a major emergency complete with yelling, frustration, hurt feelings, and high blood pressure. It's really not worth all that. Whether you're needing to deal with children, your boss, or a difficult person or situation - if you don't want to "sweat the small stuff," improving your patience level is a great way to start.

(13) Become More Patient

2010-10-12T05:37:00.001-07:00

The quality of patience goes a long way toward your goal of creating a more peaceful and loving self. The more patient you are, the more accepting you will be of what is, rather than insisting that life be exactly as you would like it to be. Without patience, life is extremely frustrating. You are easily annoyed, bothered, and irritated. Patience adds a dimension of ease and acceptance to your life. It's essential for inner peace.

Becoming more patient involves opening your heart to the present moment, even if you don't like it. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, late for an appointment, opening to the moment would mean catching yourself building a mental snowball before your thinking got out of hand and gently reminding yourself to relax. It might also be a good time to breathe as well as an opportunity to remind yourself that, in the bigger scheme of things, being late is "small stuff".

Patience also involves seeing the innocence in others. My wife, Kris, and I have two children ages four and seven. On many occasions while writing this book, our four-year-old daughter has walked into my office and interrupted my work, which can be disruptive to a writer. What I have learned to do (most of the time) is to see the innocence in her behavior rather than to focus on the potential implications of her interruptions ("I won't get my work done, I'll lose my train of thought, this was my only opportunity to write today," and so forth). I remind myself why she is coming to see me - because she loves me, not because she is conspiring to ruin my work. When I remember to see the innocence, I immediately bring forth a feeling of patience, and my attention is brought back to the moment. Any irritation that may have been building is eliminated and I'm reminded, once again, of how fortunate I am to have such beautiful children.

I have found that, if you look deeply enough, you can almost always see the innocence in other people as well as in potential frustrating situations. When you do, you will become a more patient and peaceful person and in some strange way, you begin to enjoy many of the moments that used to frustrate you.

(12) Let Others Be "Right" Most of the Time

2010-10-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

One of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself is, "Do I want to be 'right' - or do I want to be happy?" Many times, the two are mutually exclusive!

Being right, defending our positions, takes an enormous amount of mental energy and often alienates us from the people in our lives. Needing to be right - or needing someone else to be wrong - encourages others to be defensive, and puts pressure on us to keep defending. Yet, many of us (me too, at times) spend a great deal of time and energy attempting to prove (or point out) that we are right - and/or others are wrong. Many people, consciously or unconsciously, believe that it's somehow their job to show others how their positions, statements, and points of view are incorrect, and that in doing so, the person they are correcting is going to somehow appreciate it, or at least learn something. Wrong!

Think about it. Have you ever been corrected by someone and said to the person who was trying to be right, "Thank you so much for showing me that I'm wrong and you're right. Now I see it. Boy, you're great!" Or, has anyone you know ever thanked you (or even agreed with you) when you corrected them, or made yourself "right" at their expense? Of course not. The truth is, all of us hate to be corrected. We all want our positions to be respected and understood by others. Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected. Those who are in the habit of correcting others are often resented and avoided.

It's not that it's never appropriate to be right - sometimes you genuinely need to be or want to be. Perhaps there are certain philosophical positions that you don't want to budge on such as when you hear a racist comment. Here, it's important to speak your mind. Usually, however, it's just your ego creeping in and ruining an otherwise peaceful encounter - a habit of wanting or needing to be right.

A wonderful, heartfelt strategy for becoming more peaceful and loving is to practice allowing others the joy of being right - give them the glory. Stop correcting. As hard as it may be to change this habit, it's worth any effort and practice it takes. When someone says, "I really feel it's important to..." rather than jumping in and saying, "No, it's more important to..." or any of the hundreds of other forms of conversational editing, simply let it go and allow their statement to stand. The people in your life will become less defensive and more loving. They will appreciate you more than you could have ever dreamed possible, even if they don't exactly know why. You'll discover the joy of participating in and witnessing other people's happiness, which is far more rewarding than a battle of egos. You don't have to sacrifice your deepest philosophical truths or most heartfelt opinions, but, starting today, let others be "right", most of the time!

(11) Imagine that Everyone is Enlightened Except You

2010-10-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

This strategy gives you a change to practice something that is probably completely unacceptable to you. However, if you give it a try, you might find that it's one of the most helpful exercises in self-enlightenment.

As the title suggests, the idea is to imagine that everyone you know and everyone you meet is perfectly enlightened. That is, everyone except you! The people you meet are all here to teach you something. Perhaps the obnoxious driver or disrespectful teenager is here to teach you about patience, the punk rocker might be here to teach you to be less judgmental.

Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you. You'll find that if you do this, you'll be far less annoyed, bothered, and frustrated by the actions and imperfections of other people. You can actually get yourself in the habit of approaching life in this manner and, if you do, you'll be glad you did. Often, once you discover that someone is trying to teach you, it's easy to let go of your frustration. For example, suppose you're in the post office and the postal clerk appears to be intentionally moving slowly. Rather than feeling frustrated, ask yourself the question, "What is he trying to teach me?" Maybe you need to learn about compassion - how hard it would be to have a job you don't like. Or perhaps you could learn a little more about being patient. Standing in line is an excellent opportunity to break your habit of feeling impatient.

You may be surprised by how fun and easy this is. All you're really doing is changing your perception from "Why are they doing this?" to "What are they trying to teach me?" Take a look around today at all the enlightened people.

(10) Learn to Live in the Present Moment

2010-10-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

To a large degree, the measure of our peace of mind is determined by how much we are able to live in the present moment. Irrespective of what happened yesterday or last year, and what may or may not happen tomorrow, the present is where you are - always!

Without question, many of us have mastered the neurotic art of spending much of our lives worrying about a variety of things - all at once. We allow past problems and future concerns to dominate our present moments, so much so that we end up anxious, frustrated, depressed, and hopeless. On the flip side, we also postpone our gratification, our stated priorities, and our happiness, often convincing ourselves that "someday" will be better than today. Unfortunately, the same mental dynamics that tell us to look toward the future will only repeat themselves so that "someday" never actually arrives. John Lennon once said, "Life is what's happening while we're busy making other plans." When we're busy making "other plans," our children are busy growing up, the people we love are moving away and dying, our bodies are getting out of shape, and our dreams are slipping away. In short, we miss out on life.

Many people live as if life were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn't. In fact, no one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow. Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over. When our attention is in the present moment, we push fear from our minds. Fear is the concern over events that might happen in the future - we won't have enough money, our children will get into trouble, we will get old and die, whatever.

To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present. Mark Twain said, "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." I don't think I can say it any better. Practice keeping your attention on the here and now. Your efforts will pay great dividends.

(9) Let Others Have the Glory

2010-10-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

There is something magical that happens to the human spirit, a sense of calm that comes over you, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.

Our need for excessive attention is that ego-centered part of us that says, "Look at me. I'm special. My story is more interesting than yours." It's that voice inside of us that may not come right out and say it, but that wants to believe that "my accomplishments are slightly more important than yours." The ego is that part of us that wants to be seen, heard, respected, considered special, often at the expense of someone else. It's the part of us that interrupts someone else's story, or impatiently waits his turn to speak so that he can bring the conversation and attention back to himself. To varying degrees, most of us engage in this habit, much to our own detriment. When you immediately dive in and bring the conversation back toward you, you can subtly minimize the joy that person has in sharing, and in doing so, create distance between yourself and others. Everyone loses.

The next time someone tells you a story or shares an accomplishment with you, notice your tendency to say something about yourself in response.

Although it's a difficult habit to break, it's not only enjoyable but actually peaceful to have the quiet confidence to be able to surrender your need for attention and instead share in the joy of someone else's glory. Rather than jumping right in and saying, "Once I did the same thing" or "Guess what I did today," bite your tongue and notice what happens. Just say, "That's wonderful," or "Please tell me more," and leave it at that. The person you are speaking to will have so much more fun and, because you are so much more "present," because you are listening so carefully, he or she won't feel in competition with you. The result will be that the person will feel more relaxed around you, making him or her more confident as well as more interesting. You too will feel more relaxed because you won't be on the edge of your seat, waiting your turn.

Obviously, there are many times when it's absolutely appropriate to exchange experience back and forth, and to share in the glory and attention rather than giving it all away. I'm referring to the compulsive need to grab it from others. Ironically, when you surrender your need to hog the glory, the attention you used to need from other people is replaced by a quiet inner confidence that is derived from letting others have it.

(8) Do Something Nice for Someone Else - and Don't Tell Anyone About It

2010-10-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

While many of us frequently do nice things for others, we are almost certain to mention our acts of kindness to someone else, secretly seeking their approval.

When we share our own niceness and generosity with someone else, it makes us feel like we are thoughtful people, it reminds us of how nice we are and how deserving we are of kindness.

While all acts of kindness are inherently wonderful, there is something even more magical about doing something thoughtful but mentioning it to no one, ever. You always feel good when you give to others. Rather than diluting the positive feelings by telling others about your own kindness, by keeping it to yourself you get to retain all the positive feelings.

It's really true that one should give for the sake of giving, not to receive something in return. This is precisely what you are doing when you don't mention your kindness to others - your rewards are the warm feelings that come from the act of giving. The next time you do something really nice for someone else, keep it to yourself and revel in the abundant joy of giving.

(7) Don't Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences

2010-10-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how often I interrupted others and/or finished their sentences. Shortly thereafter, I also realized how destructive this habit was, not only to the respect and love I received from others but also for the tremendous amount of energy it takes to try to be in two heads at once! Think about it for a moment. When you hurry someone along, interrupt some, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but of those of the person you are interrupting as well. This tendency (which, by the way, is extremely common in busy people) encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking. This, in turn, makes both people nervous, irritable, and annoyed. It's downright exhausting. It's also the cause of many arguments, because if there's one thing almost everyone resents, it's someone who doesn't listen to what they're saying. And how can you really listen to what someone is saying when you are speaking for that person?

Once you begin noticing yourself interrupting others, you'll see that this insidious tendency is nothing more than an innocent habit that has become invisible to you. This is good news because it means that all you have to do is to begin catching yourself when you forget. Remind yourself (before a conversation begins, if possible) to be patient and wait. Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn. You'll notice, right away, how much the interaction with the people in your life will improve as a direct result of this simple act. The people you communicate with will feel much more relaxed around you when they feel heard and listened to. You'll also notice how much more relaxed you'll feel when you stop interrupting others. Your heard and pulse rates will slow down, and you'll begin to enjoy your conversations rather than rush through them. This is an easy way to become a more relaxed, loving person.

(6) Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your "In Basket" Won't be Empty

2010-10-08T05:19:00.001-07:00

So many of us live our lives as if the secret purpose is to somehow get everything done. We stay up late, get up early, avoid having fun, and keep our loved ones waiting. Sadly, I've seen many people who put off their loved ones so long that the loved ones lose interest in maintaining the relationship. I used to this myself. Often, we convince ourselves that our obsession with our "to do" list is only temporary - that once we get through the list, we'll be calm, relaxed, and happy. But in reality, this rarely happens. As items are checked off, new ones simply replace them.

The nature of your "in basket" is that it's meant to have items to be completed in it - it's not meant to be empty. There will always be phone calls that need to be made, projects to complete, and work to be done. In fact, it can be argued that a full "in basket" is essential for success. It means your time is in demand!

Regardless of who you and what you do, however, remember that nothing is more important than your own sense of happiness and inner peace and that of your loved ones. If you're obsessed with getting everything done, you'll never have a sense of well-being! In reality, almost everything can wait. Very little in our work lives truly falls into the "emergency" category. If you stay focused on your work, it will all get done in due time.

I find that if I remind myself (frequently) that the purpose of life isn't to get it all done but to enjoy each step along the way and live a life filled with love, it's far easier for me to control my obsession with completing my list of things to do. Remember, when you die, there will still be unfinished business to take care of. And you now what? Someone else will do it for you! Don't waste any more precious moments of your life regretting the inevitable.

(5) Develop Your Compassion

2010-10-07T09:31:00.001-07:00

Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's predicament, and simultaneously, to feel love for the other person. It's the recognition that other people's problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as ours - often far worse. In recognizing this fact and trying to offer some assistance, we open our own hearts and greatly enhance our sense of gratitude.

Compassion is something you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others; you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the "what you do about it". You might donate a little money or time (or both) on a regular basis to a cause near to your heart. Or perhaps you'll offer a beautiful smile and genuine "hello" to the people you meet on the street. It's not so important what you do, just that you do something. As Mother Teresa reminds us, "We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love."

Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff.

(4) Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking

2010-10-06T22:39:00.001-07:00

A powerful technique for becoming more peaceful is to be aware of how quickly your negative and insecure thinking can spiral out of control. Have you ever noticed how uptight you feel when you're caught up in your thinking? And, to top it off, the more absorbed you get in the details of whatever is upsetting you, the worse you feel. One thought leads to another, and yet another, until at some point, you become incredibly agitated.

For example, you might wake up in the middle of the night and remember a phone call that needs to be made the following day. Then, rather than feeling relieved that you remembered such an important call, you start thinking about everything else you have to do tomorrow. You start rehearsing a probable conversation with your boss, getting yourself even more upset. Pretty soon you think to yourself, "I can't believe how busy I am. I must make fifty phone calls a day. Whose life is this anyway?!" and on and on until you're feel sorry for yourself. For many people, there's no limit to how long this type of "thought attack" can go on. In fact, I've been told by clients that many of their days and nights are spent in this type of mental rehearsal. Needless to say, it's impossible to feel peaceful with your head full of concerns and annoyances.

The solution is to notice what's happening in your head before your thoughts have a change to build any momentum. The sooner you catch yourself in the act of building your mental snowball, the easier it is to stop. In our example here, you might notice your snowball thinking right when you start running through the list of what you have to do the next day. Then, instead of obsessing on your upcoming day, you say to yourself, "Whew, there I go again," and consciously nip it in the bud. You stop your train of thought before it has a chance to get going. You can then focus, not on how overwhelmed you are, but on how grateful you are for remembering the phone call that needed to be made. If it's in the middle of the night, write it down on a piece of paper and go back to sleep. You might even consider keeping a pen and paper by the bed for such moments.

You may indeed be a very busy person, but remember that filling your head with thoughts of how overwhelmed you are only exacerbates the problem by making you feel even more stressed than you already do. Try this simple little exercise the next time you begin to obsess on your schedule. You'll be amazed at how effective it can be.

(3) Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't be Superachievers

2010-10-06T05:21:00.001-07:00

One of the major reasons why we remain hurried, frightened and competitive, and continue to live life as if it were one giant emergency, is our fear that if we were to become more peaceful and loving, we would suddenly stop achieving our goals. We would become lazy and apathetic.

You can put this fear to rest by realizing that the opposite is actually true. Fearful, frantic thinking takes an enormous amount of energy and drains the creativity and motivation from our lives. When you are fearful or frantic, you literally immobilize yourself from your greatest potential, not to mention enjoyment. Any success that you have is despite your fear, not because of it.

I have had the good fortune to surround myself with some very relaxed, peaceful, and loving people. Some of these people are best-selling authors, loving parents, counselors, computer experts, and chief executive officers. All of them are fulfilled in what they do and are very proficient at their given skills.

I have learned the important lesson: When you have what you want (inner peace), you are less distracted by your wants, needs, desires, and concerns. It's thus easier to concentrate, focus, achieve your goals, and to give back to others.

(2) Make Peace with Imperfection

2010-10-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

As I go through the recruiting process, it's so easy to find myself falling into a trap of expecting myself to be perfect. Frankly, doing that just takes up so much mental energy. Every time I fall into that trap, I find myself drained so quickly. This chapter really reminds me how it's alright to NOT be perfect, but still do well in whatever we do.

***

I've yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something in a certain way, better than it already is, we are, almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what's wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent.

Whether it's related to ourselves - a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect accomplishment, a few pound we would like to lose - or someone else's "imperfections" - the way someone looks, behaves, or lives their life - the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away of our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with life. It's about realizing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself.

(1) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

2010-10-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Starting from today, I'm going to be blogging a chapter a day from the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson. I've already gone through the book once, and I must say I've learnt and re-learnt so much from it. I find it so useful, that I'm going through the book once more. This time however, I want to write out what Richard Carlson is saying so that I can internalize it.

So note: This is not my work, and my blogging a chapter a day is solely for my own purpose of personal growth. Please do not copy this material and use it for profit. Buy a copy from the book shop. I assure you, it's worth every cent.

***

Often we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things, that upon closer examination, aren't really that big a deal. We focus on little problems and concerns and blow them way out of proportion. A stranger, for example, might cut in front of us in traffic. Rather than let it go, and go on with our day, we convince ourselves that we are justified in our anger. We play out an imaginary confrontation in our mind. Many of us may even tell someone else about the incident rather than let it go.

Why not instead simply allow the driver to have his accident somewhere else? Try to have compassion for the person and remember how painful it is to be in such an enormous hurry. This way, we can maintain our own sense of well-being and avoid taking other people's problems personally.

There are many similar, "small stuff" examples that occur every day in our lives. Whether we had to wait in line, listen to unfair criticism, or do the lion's share of the work, it pays enormous dividends if we learn not to worry about the little things. So many people spend so much of their life energy "sweating the small stuff" that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life. When you commit to working towards this goal you will find that you will have far more energy to be kinder and gentler.

Well Said

2010-09-30T05:44:00.001-07:00

This was written in response to a forum post by an ENFP who was worried because people thought he was gay:

One of the things you need to remember is that the ENFP male is the rarest of the MBTI types. We are males that act based on emotion, are very altruistic and like to help people, and are sensitive to other people's feelings and needs. So from a male perspective, we are often seen as feminine, weak, and very often times called gay even though we aren't. Characteristics such as being sensitive to peoples feelings and needs are not characteristics common in the ideal alpha male. Since are personality type is not conductive to the social norm of the alpha male, we are seen as weak, which also will runs side by side with being gay.

I bet you probably have a lot of good female friends as well don't you? In college I went though the same thing, everyone constantly told me that I was gay that I almost convinced myself that I was: except that I don't like guys, I like girls.

Eventually you will come to terms wtih yourself, and it took me until my junior year of college to figure this out. Be comfortable with who you are - Yes we may be feminine, are sensitive to the feelings of others, and don't enjoy treating people badly. Come to terms with who you are inside and be happy with it. I still get teased and called gay every once in a while, but I know I'm not and I'm comfortable with that. Look at all of the strengths we have though: EVERYONE LIKES US. We are the social buterflies of the world, the networkers, and everyone likes us. I have a theory that if someone doesn't like me, there is a problem with them, not me. Everyone I know likes me becuase I am a good person who treats people respectfully and fairly. We have huge hearts and love to be loved at the same time.

You said that you don't like men - well you are probably not gay then. First you need to be comfortable with who you are and recognize that you are you. People like you for who you are, and who cares if people think that you are gay. You have more friends, are better networked, and long term people will keep you in their lives because you are a genuine friend who will stick with them through anything. Once you do come to terms with yourself, be confident and don't worry about what other people think. Everything will start to work out itself from there.

Buzzer Beat

2010-08-28T03:38:00.000-07:00

S'been quite a while since I last posted. Being home has been a true blessing. I'm so pampered here. Breakfast, lunch & dinner all prepared for me. All I have to do is go out and meet friends. Kinda makes me wish that I'll never grow up. But nah, I'm really looking forward to becoming a breadwinner to support these people who have themselves supported me wholeheartedly.

Anyway, the last few days have been peppered by lots of emotion. Not from real life, but from watching Japanese dramas (J-dramas). My sister and mum have been pestering me to watch them since I was studying in college. Now that I'm back, they've decided to overwhelm me with a tsunami of J-dramas. And thus began my J-drama journey, starting with one about basketball, Buzzer Beat.

Well, why Buzzer Beat? Mostly because my mum's insane about Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi). Completely insane about him. To the point that every dinner ends with a conversation about him. It drives me nuts sometimes. Why is she so interested in Yamapi? Well, turns out that one of the reasons is Yamapi's manboobs:

I know right? Dot. Dot. Dot. Now that she's so into Yamapi's manboobs, she's thoroughly encouraging me to get a pair for myself. Which I don't mind having of course, but still, it all seems so ridiculous.

To be fair, to my mum, it isn't all about Yamapi's manboobs. It's not even about the fact that Yamapi's actually really good looking. It's about him as a person. Yamapi's really talented. Like really talented. He can sing, he can act. More importantly, he has an amazing personality. He's humble, down-to-earth and very hardworking. Despite the fact that he's one of Japan's top idols. My mum says it's because he's one of the few Japanese idols who have graduated from university. It shows.

So, after listening to my mum go on and on about Yamapi, I've decided to give him a chance, and watch Buzzer Beat. Turns out, that I fell in love with it (the show, not Yamapi). The cast were superb in their acting:

The entire cast did really well in developing the characters that they represented. Yamapi acted really well as the humble basket-baller who wishes to become a basketball champion. Yamapi's biggest obstacle was his self-esteem, which hindered him from doing his best on the court. Because of his lack of self-esteem, Yamapi's original girl friend of 2 years dumps him for a bad boy. In the end however, Yamapi ends up with an even prettier girl who gives him the support and encouragement that enables him to do his best. Through lots of love and support from the people around, he successfully becomes a basket-ball champion.

Speaking of prettier girl, I absolutely fell in love with the actress who acted as Yamapi's new girlfriend - Keiko Kitagawa.

So pretty right?! And in the show, she acted as the perfect girl. Caring and humble. And super ultra supportive of Yamapi. She is sooooooooooooo hot. Gush gush. =D

That's it for now I guess. Lesson learnt from Buzzer Beat: never give up in your dreams until the very end. And appreciate the support given by the people around you. So yes, in brief, my J-drama summer in Malaysia so far: Yamapi, manboobs & Keiko Kitagawa. Ja!

ENFP - Learning How to Judge

2010-07-31T14:07:00.001-07:00

To grow as an individual, the ENFP needs to focus on applying judgement to all of their perceptions. This means they need to decide how they really feel about people, places and things, rather than allowing their feelings to hang open indeterminately. The ENFP needs to understand that developing their ability to discern qualities does not threaten their ability to understand the world, but rather enhances it, and enhances their personal changes for achieving a measure of success in their lives.

The ENFP concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to their motivation for making a judgement. Are they trying to really determine the objective value or merit of something, or are they trying to defend their individual right to not be judged or controlled? The goal when judging something is to not let your personal agenda influence your opinions. Obviously, this is not entirely possible, but it is the exercise to keep in mind. You want to open your mind to judgement without feeling threatened, and without using your own judgement in a defensive, rationalizing mode.

The key to personal growth for the ENFP is competent execution of Introverted Feeling (Judging function). It’s difficult for most to understand what this means, much less incorporate that directive into your life. I have created some action-oriented suggestions that will help lead you down the path towards more effective use of the Introverted Feeling function. Specific suggestions:

· When you feel angry or resistant towards someone who you feel is criticizing you, take this as a cue that you are not judging effectively. When that happens, take a step back from your anger and try to really hear what the person is saying objectively. Rather than expending mental energy in defining how the other person is wrong, try to judge what the person is actually saying.

· Periodically make lists of goals and accomplishments. Revisit your goals and accomplishments as often as you’d like to maintain a sense of direction.

· Spend time alone regularly for the purpose of thinking through issues in your life.

Understanding the INFJ

2010-07-30T00:06:00.001-07:00

Now that I have a greater understanding of how to interact with an ENTJ when he's depressed, my next goal is to work on interacting with INFJs. Why INFJs you ask? Simply, because I love INFJs. I love how INFJs keep me grounded yet at the same time, can go crazy with ideas and imagination. I love how just like me, they are so value-oriented, and pursue relationships on the basis of understanding and growth. In short, I just love them.

To understand the INFJ at a deeper level, I would first have to figure out the difference between the way I function and the way they function. So I scoured the Internet for the core differences between INFJs and ENFPs. Found this delightful summary:

As an INFJ your first instinct is to look for the answer (Introverted Intuition, abbreviated Ni).
As an ENFP his first instinct is to look for the possibilities (Extroverted Intuition, abbreviated Ne).

As an INFJ your second instinct is to focus on how you feel things should be (Extroverted Feeling, abbreviated Fe).
As an ENFP his second instinct is to focus on how he feels about it (Introverted Feeling, abbreviated Fi).

As an INFJ your next instinct is to figure out how it works by examining the little picture (Introverted Thinking, abbreviated Ti).
As an ENFP his next instinct is to understand how it relates by taking in the big picture (Extroverted Thinking, abbreviated Te).

As an INFJ your last instinct is to focus on being in the moment (Extroverted Sensing, abbreviated Se).
As an ENFP his last instinct is to focus on how things used to be (Introverted Sensing, abbreviated Si).

Wow, quite some large differences there. This really helps put things in perspective for me. Now, with this information, hopefully whenever an INFJ says or does something that I consider out of wack or hurtful, I can understand that he or she really has something else in mind. It won't be immediate, I won't be able to understand perfectly immediately, but I will do my best to keep trying. After all, relationships are about growth no? And to me, relationships with INFJs are amazingly meaningful. So grow I must!

Dealing with different people

2010-07-29T23:53:00.001-07:00

It's been said that, "Treat others the way you want others to treat you". Well, today I learned that the saying does not necessarily hold true as different people require different ways of responding to them. I learned this through an amazing conversation with a friend of mine. According to the MBTI system, he is an ENTJ, whereas I am an ENFP. What was amazing about this conversation was that we discussed what made each of us drift into a downward depression spiral; and it turns out both of us had very different causes of what made each of us drift down this depression spiral.

For the ENTJ, what causes the drift is when a project overwhelms him and he gives up. The act of giving up is what causes him to lose faith and motivation in himself, leading to a downward spiral.

For the ENFP, what causes the drift is when he does not feel acknowledged or assured by others. When he is ignored, he loses faith and motivation in himself, leading to a downward spiral.

These very different causes of the downward spiral drift require very different responses to them.

For the ENTJ, the best way to bring him out of depression is by supporting him in establishing a routine or regime. This new routine or regime then becomes a project for the ENTJ, allowing the ENTJ to re-assert himself and become more confident.

For the ENFP, the best way to bring him out of depression is by giving him lots of assurances and admiration. This gives meaning to the ENFP, and encourages him to confidently get back to what he does best - inspire others.

Today's conversation really opened my eyes to how different people are. Different people really need different ways of responding to them. The old adage of treating others the way you want to be treated isn't necessarily correct after all. Wow.

Finally

2010-07-28T01:24:00.000-07:00

It's taken a (long) while, but I've finally got my self-esteem back. =D

The new me has become a lot more honest and open about himself. I like it. I like how I can go to my colleagues and say, "I'm very easy to please. Just compliment me. You don't have to do anything else. Really." Now, I don't have to fish for compliments. People know what makes me perform best. =D

I like how I can go to a person I like and just say, "Yeah, I like you." Or if I dislike a person, I can just say, "This is why I dislike you. Let's try to work on it." Now, I don't have to play mind games with people. =D

So liberating.

And I don't really mind what the response is anymore. As long as I've done my job of honestly communicating my feelings in a responsible manner, how people respond is up to them. Frankly, I would love people to be honest and open with me, but somehow, many never are.

If you are one of those people who don't want tell me what's troubling them, and want to blame me for any problems that arise between us - please, just let me know what's going on in your mind so we can fix it together. I'm not a psychic, please don't expect me to be one.

On the flip-side, if you like what I'm doing, or better yet, if you like me, just tell me! I assure you, I will shower you with appreciation for telling me that. If you don't, I will never know, and will probably never act on it. I don't want that, you don't want that. So just tell me. =D

Anyhow, in short, Adrian Lim has become a lot more honest to himself and to people. He likes this new way of life, and plans to continue and further improve upon it. To his friends out there who have made this possible, Adrian wishes to say a million thanks. You have no idea how much your time and support have meant.

In the meantime, take care!

Don't Wait In Ambush

2010-07-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

"Don't wait in ambush" [is] yet another "naked truth" slogan. You have been taught that you should be a nice person; on the other hand, you don't feel so nice. Maybe you know something about your husband that he doesn't know you know. You keep it up your sleeve, waiting for just the right moment to spring it on him.

One day you're in the middle of a big argument, very heated. He has just insulted you royally. At that moment you bring the ace down from your sleeve and really let him have it. That's called waiting in ambush. You are willing to be very patient until just the right moment comes along, and then you let someone have it.

This isn't the path of the warrior, it's the path of the coward. Not only do you want to "win"; you aren't even willing to communicate. The aspiration to communicate with another person-to be able to listen and to speak from the heart - is what changes our old stuck patterns.

Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron

Back to square 1

2010-07-20T10:58:00.001-07:00

Extroverted (E) 56.41% Introverted (I) 43.59%
Intuitive (N) 61.76% Sensing (S) 38.24%
Feeling (F) 73.53% Thinking (T) 26.47%
Perceiving (P) 66.67% Judging (J) 33.33%

Your type is: ENFP

Why is it?

2010-07-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

That I can be absolutely confident and charming and zany in front of people whom I don't know well, but become an absolutely nerve-wrecked, shy, bumbling idiot with people whom I really care for?

Loving Myself

2010-07-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't actually cried for the longest time. But what my friend wrote to me today, just made eyes swell up. Thank you, friend. You've touched me.

xxx

Somehow
I feel that
you have projected a part of yourself onto her
The thing is,
as you know,
when we have anger or hatred toward another person,
it is usually our own self
that we hate or am angry at

That's because those feelings of anger and hatred live within us
The thing is, for you
I think you have already let go of her
but there is something that is deeper

You do not like yourself
There is some self-hatred
You have been punishing yourself for many things
even for your initial anger toward her
And now you continue to punish yourself
for what has happened in your past
and you occassionally project that onto her
because it is the way you resist it

So in fact
it has nothing to do with her anymore
You have dealt with that very well
you have faced it
and you have let it go

This is already something else
It is your own feelings toward yourself

God loves you
and you have learned so much spiritually
Just forgive yourself

Let go of your sorrow
Let go of your sadness
Let go of yourself

God is always thinking about you
You are full of gratefulness for others
Also be grateful for yourself
You are intelligent
You are learned
And you are spiritual

Give more love to your own being
You deserve love as much as the rest of the universe
and the universe loves you
Let it love you
Don't punish yourself

So remember
Love yourself as you love others
As God loves you

Pain

2010-07-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

The pain
It keeps returning
I try to fight it
But it comes back

Why?
Why?
Why do I feel like this again?

The feeling
That I can never compare with someone else...

The feeling
That I've been played...

The feeling
Of being rejected...

I keep telling myself
Get over it
It's not worth it
But it comes back
Again
and again

Sometimes I wonder
Have I been manipulated?
Because
that's how I feel at the moment

It hurts
so much

I'll just have to take it
In silence

God, save me.

Change of Perspective

2010-06-22T23:29:00.001-07:00

Someone mentioned something to me today that completely changes the way I see things. In particular, relationships. =D

2010-05-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

"It ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward."

~Rocky Balboa~

Things I Have Learned Since High School

2010-05-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Back in high school, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing. Sure, I was president of this, president of that etc etc - but really, I did it because I thought it would give me some popularity. Looking back, I'm glad I did all those things, because I learned so much from them. But the problem still remained: I had no idea what I was doing.

As college life comes to a close, I've made some thought of what are some of the lessons I've learned here in college, and hopefully, will remain with me as I grow up.

(1) Everything always changes. Always. I've learned that I may have the most wonderful plans, but these plans never work out perfectly. What this means is that I've learned the need to be flexible and adapt accordingly. Also, it means that I've to learn the lesson of letting go. That's hard. Really hard. But it's necessary.

(2) Life is always about the circumstances, so it seems, but really, you don't have to blindly follow what society dictates. In South Africa, I've had the amazing opportunity to learn from 2 of the most prominent anthropologists in the country - John & Jean Comaroff. They taught me that everything, including values, changes depending upon how forces in the society work on each other. At one point, I had given up hope, because what that meant was that there was no way we could fight against the society. How they concluded their lessons though, was what really struck me. Although society may have been shaped in a certain way by the past, we can make a difference. If each and every one of us realizes that there is something that can be better about society, we can gradually, but surely, change it. And that, has become my life goal.

(3) Humility is the best policy. Despite having been in America, where many of my friends back home believe that being confident (or even arrogant) equals success in life, I've come out believing ever more so that humility beats arrogance any day. I had an amazing time interning with Value Partners in Hong Kong. The CEO would constantly remind us: "When you think you're smart, you'll probably end up making stupid decisions. But when you think you're stupid, you'll probably end up making smart decisions." And that has stuck with me ever since. At the same time, being humble means being able to throw away my ego and accept mentors who would be willing to teach me the lessons of life. Truly, one of the main reasons why I am who I am today is because I've had so many people teaching me or saving me from periods where I've been utterly destroyed. For that, I've been truly grateful.

And so, that ends this post. Although I still don't know exactly what I'll be doing, I believe as long as I firmly stick to the lessons that life has posed for me so far, I'll end up looking back with a smile. Steve Jobs said in his Stanford graduation speech that "You can only connect the dots looking back. You cannot connect the dots looking forward." So true. You can only have faith that your dots will finally connect. At the moment, all we can do is to do our best, and to do what we love.

Slap in the Face

2010-05-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

Got a huge slap in the face today. Painful - but necessary.

Wake up, Adrian. You've been asleep for far too long.

INFP

2010-05-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Weird... So after re-doing the MBTI test several times and going through numerous forums, I found out I've become an INFP. Eh?

The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Jerry's Emo Song

2010-05-11T08:02:00.001-07:00

I love this song. Never knew the original was Japanese. Was shocked to find out yesterday. Nao - you, Jerry and I are gonna pump this song at maximum volume at the KTV - both in Japanese and Chinese!

Look, do you see what's at your feet?
This is the road you walk on
Look do you see what's up ahead?
That is your future...

My mother showed me so much tenderness
Telling me again and again, to walk on with love
I was too young then to understand what she meant
But she still took my hand and walked together with me...

My dreams always seems so far away in the sky
I'm afraid I'll never reach it, but I'll keep chasing it
Since this is my story, I don't want to give up
You held my hand when I was scared
and walked together with me

At times I hated that tenderness and let go,
not listening to my mom...

Look, do you see what's at your feet?
This is the road you walk on
Look do you see what's up ahead?
That is your future...

At times i hated that tenderness and let go,
not listening to my mom...

Look, do you see what's at your feet?
This is the road you walk on
Look do you see what's up ahead?
That is your future...

Look, do you see what's at your feet?
This is the road you walk on
Look do you see what's up ahead?
That is your future...

Turn to the future and let's walk there one step at a time

No Charge

2010-05-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my God... I cried so hard watching this:

Moving On

2010-05-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

Here's some interesting tidbit: Adrian Lim went to see a counselor - for the first time in his life! No, he's not suicidal, don't worry. He just wanted a different perspective of things. And he got it. =D

So here's the story: for the first time in his life also, Adrian really disliked someone. He was completely shocked to find out about it. The feeling completely overwhelmed him. It was crazy - how could Adrian ever hate someone? So he decided to take matters into his own hands, and solve the problem.

What the counselor (and many other friends) said made perfect sense. It takes time for someone to mourn over one's loss. And feeling resentful is part of it. So there you go. It's not really hatred - there's no anger involved - it's more like annoyance. Well, it took Adrian one whole year for this feeling to arise. Apparently he was just suppressing it over the last year. I guess it's because he didn't do a good job of distancing myself from the person properly. Lesson learned. Well, it's good that it's now rather than later.

Well, I have to say that it's important that the whole incident happened. I guess it's God's way of teaching me an important lesson - that boy girl relationships are fickle. There's no point pouring one whole's worth into them, particularly once a relationship has become poisonous. Instead, the time wasted can be used for something more productive, something more meaningful. Painful lesson, and still hurting and slowly learning from it, but I'm glad I went through the whole process.

So yes, speaking of doing something more productive and meaningful, this quarter has been great! The whole 'dislike issue' that I've described above may sound HUGE, but really, it's only taken a small portion of my time. Majority of the time has been spent very productively and positively! In retrospect, I'm really happy of what I've been doing so far this quarter. Here's a brief summary of what I've been up to:

(1) Staying on top of classes. So, for the last year or so, the incident psychologically affected me so badly, that it pretty much destroyed my academics. I spent so much time and energy thinking about it, that despite quiting all the activities I was involved in, I still could not focus on my studies at all. So, for this quarter, I am ultra hyped to participate fully in my classes. I haven't had the thrill of learning for so long - it feels really great to get it back! It doesn't matter if I ultimately end up doing so-so or badly, the point is, I am determined to fight for it. I will bounce back!

(2) Staying fit. I love exercising now. During the first week of this quarter, I came across an old comic book advertisement. It was an advertisement about 'Dynamic Tension', a body building program that doesn't require weights. I recalled wanting to do it as a kid, but couldn't afford it. Now's my lucky chance! I quickly downloaded the e-book, and committed myself to it. When I first started, it was really, really tiring at first, especially since the program required me to exercise daily day AND night. But now, I'm really proud of my progress. I started off with 20 push-ups a day. Now I can do 80! Even though I haven't really built any muscles, I feel so much fitter. Also, I can bend down and touch my toes!!! For me, these have been incredible milestones. You can laugh, but I've really been wanting to touch my toes for ages! =D

(3) Re-building friendships. Even though I'm incredibly busy this quarter, I realized I actually have more time for friends now because I'm not spending all my energy and time thinking over that 'incident'. This quarter, I've met a lot of new and interesting people who have added many memorable moments to my life. At the same time, I've very slowly but surely started re-building some friendships I've neglected over the past year. These people have always been there, but I've never had my eyes opened wide enough to appreciate them properly. Can't turn back time, but I'll do my best to cherish all the remaining moments with them. (PS: To those of you who were there for me at the beginning of this quarter, let me take this moment to say THANK YOU - I don't know what I would have done without you. I am truly, truly grateful.)

All in all, Adrian has had a most wonderful quarter. Of course, there have definitely been downs, one of the main ones being described right at the beginning of this post. But so much good has come out of this quarter, that Adrian is now much more positive and hopeful for the future. Can't wait for what comes ahead! Booyah!

Signing off,
Adrian =D

感谢

2010-04-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones,

who laugh with me, support me,
and keep me going.

I spend all my days here the same way,
chilling out, relaxed and unconcerned.
There are so many things to do,
a lot of them impossible for me.
It's totally overwhelming,
but I'm always ready to do what I can
because everyone has a smile on their face.
I may not say it very often,
but I really am grateful for my family and friends.
The time we spend together is so special,
I could never replace any of them.
We've got this moment, we've got each other,
stopping, standing and laughing together.
I'm so thankful, I could cry.

This feeling is so wonderful,
it makes today seem like a wild dream.
I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones,
who laugh with me, support me,
and keep me going.

I just want everyone to be friendly in front of others
The loss of sadness makes everyone smile
Once in awhile, I use my own style which is left in the junk
Like when you watched me when I wrapped

I'm too embarrassed to say anymore, but thank you
When I'm alone in a tunnel, the light spills to you
You call me, when you're busy and tired to say "Good night"
There is always kindness and happiness

This feeling is so wonderful,
it makes today seem like a wild dream.
I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones,
who laugh with me, support me,
and keep me going.

Sometimes,things are tense but things always end up good
Eventually, it comes from important and heartfelt wishes

But I am always thankful to be alive now
I'll tell you, I'm always happy.

This feeling is so wonderful,
it makes today seem like a wild dream.
I promise you, I'll never forget it, my precious ones,
who laugh with me, support me,
and keep me going.

Today, and even tomorrow and the day after, we'll keep laughing together
We're all tied to the same fate
Today, and even tomorrow and the day after, we'll walk together
Whatever happens now, is meant to be.

Thank you, Thank you, thank you,
Thank you, thank you, thank you

Awake at 2AM

2010-04-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

haha, don't know why i'm still awake at this time. so weird, listening to songs i used to listen to one year ago. very nostalgic.

it's weird, this nostalgia. it's like a swirl of colors. joy. sadness. excitement. pain. all meshed up into one colorful palette of hues.

haha, good times, bad times. they come, and they go.

Understanding 'Emptiness'

2010-04-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

No Buddhist teaching has been more misunderstood than that of 'emptiness'. All forms of Buddhism explore this concept to some extent, but 'emptiness' is particularly emphasized in the Buddhist schools of East Asia. Zen Buddhism, for example, strongly stresses 'emptiness' in many of its core texts; the most well-known one being the Heart Sutra. From the beginning, the Heart Sutra emphasizes that:

Form is emptiness, and emptiness is form

Form is not other than emptiness

Emptiness is not other than form

The same is true with

feelings, perceptions, mental formations and consciousness.

From the above excerpt, it is understandable how readers can easily misconstrue 'emptiness'. These readers assume that 'emptiness' means 'nothingness'. Because of this assumption, they wrongly conclude that Buddhism teaches that nothing exists. Therefore, to them, Buddhism seems like a nihilistic religion. This assumption is so widespread that the philosopher Nietzsche even argued that when people believe in Buddhism, they lose the will to live.

However, in truth, 'emptiness' has nothing to do with 'nothingness'. The Buddha never taught that everything does not exist. Instead, He taught two fundamental concepts that combine to become 'emptiness'. The first concept is 'impermanence'. The Buddha demonstrated that everything in existence is constantly changing from moment to moment, whether it is physical substance, feelings, emotions or thoughts. For example, every day, our bodies change. By the time a child has reached adulthood, millions of her body cells have died and have been replaced by new ones. Her body's shape and size will also have changed. In short, 'impermanence' tells us that everything changes.

The second fundamental concept is 'interdependence'. The Buddha taught that every object's existent is not mutually excluded from other objects. To exist, everything depends upon everything else. For example, the existence of a piece of paper depends upon many other factors. For the paper to exist, there must sunlight to produce trees. At the same time, clouds must produce rain to water the trees. Acknowledging 'interdependence', a Buddhist teacher once said, "If you look deeply, you can see the existence of the cloud in the paper. The paper is the cloud, and the cloud is the paper." Even humans are not spared from 'interdependence'. Our existence depends upon so many factors, including nature and our relationships with other people. In short, 'interdependence' teaches us that nothing can stand alone by itself; everything depends upon everything else.

'Emptiness' is a combination of both 'impermanence' and 'interdependence'. Since everything is always changing and depends upon everything else, there is thus no such thing as an individual self that is permanently fixed. The Buddhist teaching of 'emptiness' does not mean that the self does not exist. Instead, it shows us that we are not hyphenated, isolated individuals, but that we constantly change and depend upon many other things. In practical terms, 'emptiness' is a positive teaching that tells us to not be selfish and to not attach ourselves to the past, whether physically, or emotionally. We suffer because we refuse to acknowledge that things change and that we depend upon others, when in reality, things are quite the contrary. In short, 'emptiness' teaches that we should be selfless and that we should let go of the past, and embrace the future.