(5) Develop Your Compassion

Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's predicament, and simultaneously, to feel love for the other person. It's the recognition that other people's problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as ours - often far worse. In recognizing this fact and trying to offer some assistance, we open our own hearts and greatly enhance our sense of gratitude.

Compassion is something you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others; you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the "what you do about it". You might donate a little money or time (or both) on a regular basis to a cause near to your heart. Or perhaps you'll offer a beautiful smile and genuine "hello" to the people you meet on the street. It's not so important what you do, just that you do something. As Mother Teresa reminds us, "We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love."

Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff.

(4) Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking

A powerful technique for becoming more peaceful is to be aware of how quickly your negative and insecure thinking can spiral out of control. Have you ever noticed how uptight you feel when you're caught up in your thinking? And, to top it off, the more absorbed you get in the details of whatever is upsetting you, the worse you feel. One thought leads to another, and yet another, until at some point, you become incredibly agitated.

For example, you might wake up in the middle of the night and remember a phone call that needs to be made the following day. Then, rather than feeling relieved that you remembered such an important call, you start thinking about everything else you have to do tomorrow. You start rehearsing a probable conversation with your boss, getting yourself even more upset. Pretty soon you think to yourself, "I can't believe how busy I am. I must make fifty phone calls a day. Whose life is this anyway?!" and on and on until you're feel sorry for yourself. For many people, there's no limit to how long this type of "thought attack" can go on. In fact, I've been told by clients that many of their days and nights are spent in this type of mental rehearsal. Needless to say, it's impossible to feel peaceful with your head full of concerns and annoyances.

The solution is to notice what's happening in your head before your thoughts have a change to build any momentum. The sooner you catch yourself in the act of building your mental snowball, the easier it is to stop. In our example here, you might notice your snowball thinking right when you start running through the list of what you have to do the next day. Then, instead of obsessing on your upcoming day, you say to yourself, "Whew, there I go again," and consciously nip it in the bud. You stop your train of thought before it has a chance to get going. You can then focus, not on how overwhelmed you are, but on how grateful you are for remembering the phone call that needed to be made. If it's in the middle of the night, write it down on a piece of paper and go back to sleep. You might even consider keeping a pen and paper by the bed for such moments.

You may indeed be a very busy person, but remember that filling your head with thoughts of how overwhelmed you are only exacerbates the problem by making you feel even more stressed than you already do. Try this simple little exercise the next time you begin to obsess on your schedule. You'll be amazed at how effective it can be.

(3) Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Can't be Superachievers

One of the major reasons why we remain hurried, frightened and competitive, and continue to live life as if it were one giant emergency, is our fear that if we were to become more peaceful and loving, we would suddenly stop achieving our goals. We would become lazy and apathetic.

You can put this fear to rest by realizing that the opposite is actually true. Fearful, frantic thinking takes an enormous amount of energy and drains the creativity and motivation from our lives. When you are fearful or frantic, you literally immobilize yourself from your greatest potential, not to mention enjoyment. Any success that you have is despite your fear, not because of it.

I have had the good fortune to surround myself with some very relaxed, peaceful, and loving people. Some of these people are best-selling authors, loving parents, counselors, computer experts, and chief executive officers. All of them are fulfilled in what they do and are very proficient at their given skills.

I have learned the important lesson: When you have what you want (inner peace), you are less distracted by your wants, needs, desires, and concerns. It's thus easier to concentrate, focus, achieve your goals, and to give back to others.

(2) Make Peace with Imperfection

As I go through the recruiting process, it's so easy to find myself falling into a trap of expecting myself to be perfect. Frankly, doing that just takes up so much mental energy. Every time I fall into that trap, I find myself drained so quickly. This chapter really reminds me how it's alright to NOT be perfect, but still do well in whatever we do.

***

I've yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something in a certain way, better than it already is, we are, almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what's wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent.

Whether it's related to ourselves - a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect accomplishment, a few pound we would like to lose - or someone else's "imperfections" - the way someone looks, behaves, or lives their life - the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away of our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with life. It's about realizing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself.

(1) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Starting from today, I'm going to be blogging a chapter a day from the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson. I've already gone through the book once, and I must say I've learnt and re-learnt so much from it. I find it so useful, that I'm going through the book once more. This time however, I want to write out what Richard Carlson is saying so that I can internalize it.

So note: This is not my work, and my blogging a chapter a day is solely for my own purpose of personal growth. Please do not copy this material and use it for profit. Buy a copy from the book shop. I assure you, it's worth every cent.

***

Often we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things, that upon closer examination, aren't really that big a deal. We focus on little problems and concerns and blow them way out of proportion. A stranger, for example, might cut in front of us in traffic. Rather than let it go, and go on with our day, we convince ourselves that we are justified in our anger. We play out an imaginary confrontation in our mind. Many of us may even tell someone else about the incident rather than let it go.

Why not instead simply allow the driver to have his accident somewhere else? Try to have compassion for the person and remember how painful it is to be in such an enormous hurry. This way, we can maintain our own sense of well-being and avoid taking other people's problems personally.

There are many similar, "small stuff" examples that occur every day in our lives. Whether we had to wait in line, listen to unfair criticism, or do the lion's share of the work, it pays enormous dividends if we learn not to worry about the little things. So many people spend so much of their life energy "sweating the small stuff" that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life. When you commit to working towards this goal you will find that you will have far more energy to be kinder and gentler.

Well Said

This was written in response to a forum post by an ENFP who was worried because people thought he was gay:

One of the things you need to remember is that the ENFP male is the rarest of the MBTI types. We are males that act based on emotion, are very altruistic and like to help people, and are sensitive to other people's feelings and needs. So from a male perspective, we are often seen as feminine, weak, and very often times called gay even though we aren't. Characteristics such as being sensitive to peoples feelings and needs are not characteristics common in the ideal alpha male. Since are personality type is not conductive to the social norm of the alpha male, we are seen as weak, which also will runs side by side with being gay.

I bet you probably have a lot of good female friends as well don't you? In college I went though the same thing, everyone constantly told me that I was gay that I almost convinced myself that I was: except that I don't like guys, I like girls.

Eventually you will come to terms wtih yourself, and it took me until my junior year of college to figure this out. Be comfortable with who you are - Yes we may be feminine, are sensitive to the feelings of others, and don't enjoy treating people badly. Come to terms with who you are inside and be happy with it. I still get teased and called gay every once in a while, but I know I'm not and I'm comfortable with that. Look at all of the strengths we have though: EVERYONE LIKES US. We are the social buterflies of the world, the networkers, and everyone likes us. I have a theory that if someone doesn't like me, there is a problem with them, not me. Everyone I know likes me becuase I am a good person who treats people respectfully and fairly. We have huge hearts and love to be loved at the same time.

You said that you don't like men - well you are probably not gay then. First you need to be comfortable with who you are and recognize that you are you. People like you for who you are, and who cares if people think that you are gay. You have more friends, are better networked, and long term people will keep you in their lives because you are a genuine friend who will stick with them through anything. Once you do come to terms with yourself, be confident and don't worry about what other people think. Everything will start to work out itself from there.

Buzzer Beat

S'been quite a while since I last posted. Being home has been a true blessing. I'm so pampered here. Breakfast, lunch & dinner all prepared for me. All I have to do is go out and meet friends. Kinda makes me wish that I'll never grow up. But nah, I'm really looking forward to becoming a breadwinner to support these people who have themselves supported me wholeheartedly.

Anyway, the last few days have been peppered by lots of emotion. Not from real life, but from watching Japanese dramas (J-dramas). My sister and mum have been pestering me to watch them since I was studying in college. Now that I'm back, they've decided to overwhelm me with a tsunami of J-dramas. And thus began my J-drama journey, starting with one about basketball, Buzzer Beat.

Well, why Buzzer Beat? Mostly because my mum's insane about Yamashita Tomohisa (Yamapi). Completely insane about him. To the point that every dinner ends with a conversation about him. It drives me nuts sometimes. Why is she so interested in Yamapi? Well, turns out that one of the reasons is Yamapi's manboobs:

I know right? Dot. Dot. Dot. Now that she's so into Yamapi's manboobs, she's thoroughly encouraging me to get a pair for myself. Which I don't mind having of course, but still, it all seems so ridiculous.

To be fair, to my mum, it isn't all about Yamapi's manboobs. It's not even about the fact that Yamapi's actually really good looking. It's about him as a person. Yamapi's really talented. Like really talented. He can sing, he can act. More importantly, he has an amazing personality. He's humble, down-to-earth and very hardworking. Despite the fact that he's one of Japan's top idols. My mum says it's because he's one of the few Japanese idols who have graduated from university. It shows.

So, after listening to my mum go on and on about Yamapi, I've decided to give him a chance, and watch Buzzer Beat. Turns out, that I fell in love with it (the show, not Yamapi). The cast were superb in their acting:

The entire cast did really well in developing the characters that they represented. Yamapi acted really well as the humble basket-baller who wishes to become a basketball champion. Yamapi's biggest obstacle was his self-esteem, which hindered him from doing his best on the court. Because of his lack of self-esteem, Yamapi's original girl friend of 2 years dumps him for a bad boy. In the end however, Yamapi ends up with an even prettier girl who gives him the support and encouragement that enables him to do his best. Through lots of love and support from the people around, he successfully becomes a basket-ball champion.

Speaking of prettier girl, I absolutely fell in love with the actress who acted as Yamapi's new girlfriend - Keiko Kitagawa.

So pretty right?! And in the show, she acted as the perfect girl. Caring and humble. And super ultra supportive of Yamapi. She is sooooooooooooo hot. Gush gush. =D

That's it for now I guess. Lesson learnt from Buzzer Beat: never give up in your dreams until the very end. And appreciate the support given by the people around you. So yes, in brief, my J-drama summer in Malaysia so far: Yamapi, manboobs & Keiko Kitagawa. Ja!