ENFP - Learning How to Judge

To grow as an individual, the ENFP needs to focus on applying judgement to all of their perceptions. This means they need to decide how they really feel about people, places and things, rather than allowing their feelings to hang open indeterminately. The ENFP needs to understand that developing their ability to discern qualities does not threaten their ability to understand the world, but rather enhances it, and enhances their personal changes for achieving a measure of success in their lives.

The ENFP concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to their motivation for making a judgement. Are they trying to really determine the objective value or merit of something, or are they trying to defend their individual right to not be judged or controlled? The goal when judging something is to not let your personal agenda influence your opinions. Obviously, this is not entirely possible, but it is the exercise to keep in mind. You want to open your mind to judgement without feeling threatened, and without using your own judgement in a defensive, rationalizing mode.

The key to personal growth for the ENFP is competent execution of Introverted Feeling (Judging function). It’s difficult for most to understand what this means, much less incorporate that directive into your life. I have created some action-oriented suggestions that will help lead you down the path towards more effective use of the Introverted Feeling function. Specific suggestions:

· When you feel angry or resistant towards someone who you feel is criticizing you, take this as a cue that you are not judging effectively. When that happens, take a step back from your anger and try to really hear what the person is saying objectively. Rather than expending mental energy in defining how the other person is wrong, try to judge what the person is actually saying.

· Periodically make lists of goals and accomplishments. Revisit your goals and accomplishments as often as you’d like to maintain a sense of direction.

· Spend time alone regularly for the purpose of thinking through issues in your life.

Understanding the INFJ

Now that I have a greater understanding of how to interact with an ENTJ when he's depressed, my next goal is to work on interacting with INFJs. Why INFJs you ask? Simply, because I love INFJs. I love how INFJs keep me grounded yet at the same time, can go crazy with ideas and imagination. I love how just like me, they are so value-oriented, and pursue relationships on the basis of understanding and growth. In short, I just love them.

To understand the INFJ at a deeper level, I would first have to figure out the difference between the way I function and the way they function. So I scoured the Internet for the core differences between INFJs and ENFPs. Found this delightful summary:

As an INFJ your first instinct is to look for the answer (Introverted Intuition, abbreviated Ni).
As an ENFP his first instinct is to look for the possibilities (Extroverted Intuition, abbreviated Ne).

As an INFJ your second instinct is to focus on how you feel things should be (Extroverted Feeling, abbreviated Fe).
As an ENFP his second instinct is to focus on how he feels about it (Introverted Feeling, abbreviated Fi).

As an INFJ your next instinct is to figure out how it works by examining the little picture (Introverted Thinking, abbreviated Ti).
As an ENFP his next instinct is to understand how it relates by taking in the big picture (Extroverted Thinking, abbreviated Te).

As an INFJ your last instinct is to focus on being in the moment (Extroverted Sensing, abbreviated Se).
As an ENFP his last instinct is to focus on how things used to be (Introverted Sensing, abbreviated Si).

Wow, quite some large differences there. This really helps put things in perspective for me. Now, with this information, hopefully whenever an INFJ says or does something that I consider out of wack or hurtful, I can understand that he or she really has something else in mind. It won't be immediate, I won't be able to understand perfectly immediately, but I will do my best to keep trying. After all, relationships are about growth no? And to me, relationships with INFJs are amazingly meaningful. So grow I must!

Dealing with different people

It's been said that, "Treat others the way you want others to treat you". Well, today I learned that the saying does not necessarily hold true as different people require different ways of responding to them. I learned this through an amazing conversation with a friend of mine. According to the MBTI system, he is an ENTJ, whereas I am an ENFP. What was amazing about this conversation was that we discussed what made each of us drift into a downward depression spiral; and it turns out both of us had very different causes of what made each of us drift down this depression spiral.

For the ENTJ, what causes the drift is when a project overwhelms him and he gives up. The act of giving up is what causes him to lose faith and motivation in himself, leading to a downward spiral.

For the ENFP, what causes the drift is when he does not feel acknowledged or assured by others. When he is ignored, he loses faith and motivation in himself, leading to a downward spiral.

These very different causes of the downward spiral drift require very different responses to them.

For the ENTJ, the best way to bring him out of depression is by supporting him in establishing a routine or regime. This new routine or regime then becomes a project for the ENTJ, allowing the ENTJ to re-assert himself and become more confident.

For the ENFP, the best way to bring him out of depression is by giving him lots of assurances and admiration. This gives meaning to the ENFP, and encourages him to confidently get back to what he does best - inspire others.

Today's conversation really opened my eyes to how different people are. Different people really need different ways of responding to them. The old adage of treating others the way you want to be treated isn't necessarily correct after all. Wow.

Finally

It's taken a (long) while, but I've finally got my self-esteem back. =D

The new me has become a lot more honest and open about himself. I like it. I like how I can go to my colleagues and say, "I'm very easy to please. Just compliment me. You don't have to do anything else. Really." Now, I don't have to fish for compliments. People know what makes me perform best. =D

I like how I can go to a person I like and just say, "Yeah, I like you." Or if I dislike a person, I can just say, "This is why I dislike you. Let's try to work on it." Now, I don't have to play mind games with people. =D

So liberating.

And I don't really mind what the response is anymore. As long as I've done my job of honestly communicating my feelings in a responsible manner, how people respond is up to them. Frankly, I would love people to be honest and open with me, but somehow, many never are.

If you are one of those people who don't want tell me what's troubling them, and want to blame me for any problems that arise between us - please, just let me know what's going on in your mind so we can fix it together. I'm not a psychic, please don't expect me to be one.

On the flip-side, if you like what I'm doing, or better yet, if you like me, just tell me! I assure you, I will shower you with appreciation for telling me that. If you don't, I will never know, and will probably never act on it. I don't want that, you don't want that. So just tell me. =D

Anyhow, in short, Adrian Lim has become a lot more honest to himself and to people. He likes this new way of life, and plans to continue and further improve upon it. To his friends out there who have made this possible, Adrian wishes to say a million thanks. You have no idea how much your time and support have meant.

In the meantime, take care!

Don't Wait In Ambush

"Don't wait in ambush" [is] yet another "naked truth" slogan. You have been taught that you should be a nice person; on the other hand, you don't feel so nice. Maybe you know something about your husband that he doesn't know you know. You keep it up your sleeve, waiting for just the right moment to spring it on him.

One day you're in the middle of a big argument, very heated. He has just insulted you royally. At that moment you bring the ace down from your sleeve and really let him have it. That's called waiting in ambush. You are willing to be very patient until just the right moment comes along, and then you let someone have it.

This isn't the path of the warrior, it's the path of the coward. Not only do you want to "win"; you aren't even willing to communicate. The aspiration to communicate with another person-to be able to listen and to speak from the heart - is what changes our old stuck patterns.

Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron

Back to square 1

Extroverted (E) 56.41% Introverted (I) 43.59%
Intuitive (N) 61.76% Sensing (S) 38.24%
Feeling (F) 73.53% Thinking (T) 26.47%
Perceiving (P) 66.67% Judging (J) 33.33%

Your type is: ENFP

Why is it?

That I can be absolutely confident and charming and zany in front of people whom I don't know well, but become an absolutely nerve-wrecked, shy, bumbling idiot with people whom I really care for?

Loving Myself

I haven't actually cried for the longest time. But what my friend wrote to me today, just made eyes swell up. Thank you, friend. You've touched me.

xxx

Somehow
I feel that
you have projected a part of yourself onto her
The thing is,
as you know,
when we have anger or hatred toward another person,
it is usually our own self
that we hate or am angry at

That's because those feelings of anger and hatred live within us
The thing is, for you
I think you have already let go of her
but there is something that is deeper

You do not like yourself
There is some self-hatred
You have been punishing yourself for many things
even for your initial anger toward her
And now you continue to punish yourself
for what has happened in your past
and you occassionally project that onto her
because it is the way you resist it

So in fact
it has nothing to do with her anymore
You have dealt with that very well
you have faced it
and you have let it go

This is already something else
It is your own feelings toward yourself

God loves you
and you have learned so much spiritually
Just forgive yourself

Let go of your sorrow
Let go of your sadness
Let go of yourself

God is always thinking about you
You are full of gratefulness for others
Also be grateful for yourself
You are intelligent
You are learned
And you are spiritual

Give more love to your own being
You deserve love as much as the rest of the universe
and the universe loves you
Let it love you
Don't punish yourself

So remember
Love yourself as you love others
As God loves you

Pain

The pain
It keeps returning
I try to fight it
But it comes back

Why?
Why?
Why do I feel like this again?

The feeling
That I can never compare with someone else...

The feeling
That I've been played...

The feeling
Of being rejected...

I keep telling myself
Get over it
It's not worth it
But it comes back
Again
and again

Sometimes I wonder
Have I been manipulated?
Because
that's how I feel at the moment

It hurts
so much

I'll just have to take it
In silence

God, save me.